New tool from therapy, yay!
I started doing the Bilateral Stimulation in one of my more recent sessions, and it's intense, but effective. It's tones in headphones and pulses from devices held in the hands that alternate left and right at whatever speed, intensity, and volume feels comfortable while recalling the initial traumatic event. (Obviously, there is a lot more that goes into these sessions, but those are the basics.) Last night, we were planning on working with another target, but other situations came up that needed more attention, so my therapist gave me another tool to use when I start getting into one particular OCD-like behavior: mentally punishing myself by remembering and then obsessing over mistakes or events that have been resolved.
It's simple enough in execution, and yet requires a lot of discipline to use it repeatedly to the point that it becomes beneficial long term. When some obsessive thought surfaces and becomes too difficult to deal with or get rid of, all I have to do is start tapping (I chose tapping the lateral sides of my knees with my fingers), alternating the taps just like the BLS, and once I feel like I've tapped long enough, I end with one of my other tools, my Safe Place, to reestablish the state of mind I would like to have. I've already started using it, and it's already proving effective, and hopefully more so the longer I practice it. As I was about to fall asleep, I kept beating myself up with one particular thought, and since I was so snuggled under my blankets, all I could reach (without moving my arms and losing precious warmth) was my head, so I started gently tapping at my temples, and sure enough, after a minute or so, I felt much better.
This will take sooooo much practice, as I learned (incorrectly) over many years that if I have a memory or a thought I can't let go, I deserve to be reminded of it and be punished by it and feel absolutely miserable for not being able to stop what my brain does to me. During last night's session, I found myself repeatedly talking about how, in my logic brain, I know that things take time to unlearn and the relearn, and that practicing is the only way to get better at things that I may not feel confident doing now, but all that sensible talk doesn't always hit home with me when I'm in an emotional place that feeds all the worst I believe about myself. Now that we're doing some genuine heavy lifting in our sessions (like we weren't doing that before...), it's going to take consistency on my part, but I know I'm capable of doing that.
Wednesday, November 18, 2015
Wednesday, November 11, 2015
I Just Decided To
I'm beyond exhausted with the amount of bad news and bullshit I am exposed to everyday (the fucking nonsense with Starbucks cups pushing me over the edge), so much so that there is no word for the level I have reached.
So I'm volunteering at Boys & Girls Club, starting tonight.
I miss the kids I was working with at Big T when I was doing their Fun Club program, of course, but to be fair, a lot of them are now in middle school, and I don't get done with work until 4:00pm which is when they would need to start, and until someone invents teleportation, I can't make it a half hour across town to make that happen. So now, I am going to be working with K-12 kids again, teaching theater and improv basics, maybe even doing something with vocal music in the future if my schedule will allow it (the county-wide coordinator is making a huge push for more performing arts activities, and the Loveland branch needs people for both theater and music), and I cannot wait!
It's easy to be sad and angry at everything, with depression or without. It's also easy to feel better. Don't get me wrong, I've been working my ASS off with my therapist to make it easier for me to feel good, and that's in addition to all the work I've put in since I was 14, but one thing I had to learn and work on is the concept that being happy can be easier than I believed it would be. And what makes it easier is helping other people. If you're fun and sincere and doing what you can to help, other people, especially kids, don't care about your faults. They don't know about your (perceived) failures, they don't hear all of the horrible things you say to or think about yourself, they don't worry about all of the drama in your own head. What matters to them is if you care enough to be there and are interested in their lives. Hell, most of the teachers I loved when I was growing up were the ones that made me laugh, or got me interested in something, or showed me how easy something was that at first glance seemed to be daunting, or made me excel in the areas I was already gifted. I know I have the ability to do that for other kids (said the 30 year old that still identifies herself as someone that needs adult supervision), and I have the opportunity and time to do that now that I have settled into a job with a comfortable routine to it. So if there are going to be depressing things in the world that just refuse to be resolved, then I am going to do what I can to make my corner of it happier.
The rest of the afternoon is going to be reviewing what I'd like to cover in my first class with 9-12th grade kids. I haven't worked with that age group in years, so I don't quite know what to expect, but I'm really hopeful that they'll pick things up quickly, and I won't have to spend most of my time feeling like I'm herding cats (which can happen with younger kids very easily).
So I'm volunteering at Boys & Girls Club, starting tonight.
I miss the kids I was working with at Big T when I was doing their Fun Club program, of course, but to be fair, a lot of them are now in middle school, and I don't get done with work until 4:00pm which is when they would need to start, and until someone invents teleportation, I can't make it a half hour across town to make that happen. So now, I am going to be working with K-12 kids again, teaching theater and improv basics, maybe even doing something with vocal music in the future if my schedule will allow it (the county-wide coordinator is making a huge push for more performing arts activities, and the Loveland branch needs people for both theater and music), and I cannot wait!
It's easy to be sad and angry at everything, with depression or without. It's also easy to feel better. Don't get me wrong, I've been working my ASS off with my therapist to make it easier for me to feel good, and that's in addition to all the work I've put in since I was 14, but one thing I had to learn and work on is the concept that being happy can be easier than I believed it would be. And what makes it easier is helping other people. If you're fun and sincere and doing what you can to help, other people, especially kids, don't care about your faults. They don't know about your (perceived) failures, they don't hear all of the horrible things you say to or think about yourself, they don't worry about all of the drama in your own head. What matters to them is if you care enough to be there and are interested in their lives. Hell, most of the teachers I loved when I was growing up were the ones that made me laugh, or got me interested in something, or showed me how easy something was that at first glance seemed to be daunting, or made me excel in the areas I was already gifted. I know I have the ability to do that for other kids (said the 30 year old that still identifies herself as someone that needs adult supervision), and I have the opportunity and time to do that now that I have settled into a job with a comfortable routine to it. So if there are going to be depressing things in the world that just refuse to be resolved, then I am going to do what I can to make my corner of it happier.
The rest of the afternoon is going to be reviewing what I'd like to cover in my first class with 9-12th grade kids. I haven't worked with that age group in years, so I don't quite know what to expect, but I'm really hopeful that they'll pick things up quickly, and I won't have to spend most of my time feeling like I'm herding cats (which can happen with younger kids very easily).
Monday, November 2, 2015
Anxiety Is Just So Damn Stupid
November, and a quiet weekend for Halloween, and that's all very appreciated, especially yesterday, a day that was devoted to eating a lot while lounging in my pajamas and watching a NatGeo marathon of Cosmos, then ending by doing yoga for the first time in months (new yoga mat, as my old one was getting pretty torn up, and it never felt very stable, even after washing it several times to get a better grip). But then... the morning comes.
Let it be known that I actually don't mind Mondays. It's Tuesdays that are the real bitch of the week, because by this time, you've committed to your week, but you still have most of the week to get through, making the most previous weekend seem much further away without the hope of the coming weekend to soften the blow. But this morning, for a few different reasons, I was having a very hard time getting to work and then beginning what needed to get done right away. Why? Because I'm coming up to the end of the hours I was contracted for through the temp agency, meaning that I will soon be in a position to be hired by this company and keep the job I've had since July, something that has been enormously beneficial and stable for me, or I will not be hired and have to go back to square one looking for a new job. The biggest reason behind the anxiety is that while I've had some complaints, I've also had a lot of compliments and have been making changes to ensure that I don't get the same complaints coming up again. Beyond that, there is little I can do to influence the people that are making the decision of keeping me on staff. So that bothers me. I don't want to be an alarmist and call my rep at the temp agency and say "we need to start looking for new stuff right now so I don't lose any time or money", but wouldn't it be a good dose of caution to do that, just to give myself some peace of mind knowing that I've covered my bases? Thing is, that forces me to confront the possibility of a difficult next few months (especially around the rapidly approaching winter and holiday season) at a time when I want to stay in the groove that I'm in because I know it's leading to some good results and, if I stay on track, will allow me a lot of opportunities this coming summer, when I'm looking to move to Cleveland and start working towards my next career goal(s). I don't want to deviate from something that is stable. That's taking a sledgehammer to the base of my hierarchy of needs and not only knocking it out of place, but proceeding to smash it into little teeny tiny pieces.
Here are some good things: I've been taking on more responsibilities, like checking and answering voice mails, filling backorders, sorting through paperwork for new customers, and mailing out invoices every morning. Logically, that tells me that I fit in well, and since I'm doing all of these things well, that lets my bosses know I can take on more tasks and complete them well too. We have another person answering phones, and he's doing a good job, and I've been able to help him, knowing that he is taking a lot of burden off of me. The higher ups are hiring a new accountant for the office, too, which will also make things easier for me, and reduce the likeliness of me being so stressed that I make the same mistakes that piss off people on the phone.
Here are the bad things: I have no confidence that I'm considered valuable here, mostly because I've been in work situations before where I was not valued and instead was considered disposable, and lost the job. Because I have made some mistakes that I couldn't correct right away, coming from customers rather than from coworkers that could then help me, I don't know if that's going to count against me or not, and I am spooked. Customers have gotten me fired before. Not to mention that they're looking to hire a new full time accountant, which is probably a bigger cost for them, so why would they also want to hire another person? I don't exactly know or understand how their agreement with temp agencies works, but what if this becomes a factor, that hiring a more important position full time affects whether or not they'll be able to afford me too?
After a crazy morning (the good crazy, the busy crazy that distracts me and focuses me and allows me to demonstrate how good I've become at this job), I now have the potential for a slower afternoon, and hopefully I'll be able to read or Colorfy off and on for the next few hours and stay in a good head space. By the end of the week, though, I may be pulling out my hair.
Let it be known that I actually don't mind Mondays. It's Tuesdays that are the real bitch of the week, because by this time, you've committed to your week, but you still have most of the week to get through, making the most previous weekend seem much further away without the hope of the coming weekend to soften the blow. But this morning, for a few different reasons, I was having a very hard time getting to work and then beginning what needed to get done right away. Why? Because I'm coming up to the end of the hours I was contracted for through the temp agency, meaning that I will soon be in a position to be hired by this company and keep the job I've had since July, something that has been enormously beneficial and stable for me, or I will not be hired and have to go back to square one looking for a new job. The biggest reason behind the anxiety is that while I've had some complaints, I've also had a lot of compliments and have been making changes to ensure that I don't get the same complaints coming up again. Beyond that, there is little I can do to influence the people that are making the decision of keeping me on staff. So that bothers me. I don't want to be an alarmist and call my rep at the temp agency and say "we need to start looking for new stuff right now so I don't lose any time or money", but wouldn't it be a good dose of caution to do that, just to give myself some peace of mind knowing that I've covered my bases? Thing is, that forces me to confront the possibility of a difficult next few months (especially around the rapidly approaching winter and holiday season) at a time when I want to stay in the groove that I'm in because I know it's leading to some good results and, if I stay on track, will allow me a lot of opportunities this coming summer, when I'm looking to move to Cleveland and start working towards my next career goal(s). I don't want to deviate from something that is stable. That's taking a sledgehammer to the base of my hierarchy of needs and not only knocking it out of place, but proceeding to smash it into little teeny tiny pieces.
Here are some good things: I've been taking on more responsibilities, like checking and answering voice mails, filling backorders, sorting through paperwork for new customers, and mailing out invoices every morning. Logically, that tells me that I fit in well, and since I'm doing all of these things well, that lets my bosses know I can take on more tasks and complete them well too. We have another person answering phones, and he's doing a good job, and I've been able to help him, knowing that he is taking a lot of burden off of me. The higher ups are hiring a new accountant for the office, too, which will also make things easier for me, and reduce the likeliness of me being so stressed that I make the same mistakes that piss off people on the phone.
Here are the bad things: I have no confidence that I'm considered valuable here, mostly because I've been in work situations before where I was not valued and instead was considered disposable, and lost the job. Because I have made some mistakes that I couldn't correct right away, coming from customers rather than from coworkers that could then help me, I don't know if that's going to count against me or not, and I am spooked. Customers have gotten me fired before. Not to mention that they're looking to hire a new full time accountant, which is probably a bigger cost for them, so why would they also want to hire another person? I don't exactly know or understand how their agreement with temp agencies works, but what if this becomes a factor, that hiring a more important position full time affects whether or not they'll be able to afford me too?
After a crazy morning (the good crazy, the busy crazy that distracts me and focuses me and allows me to demonstrate how good I've become at this job), I now have the potential for a slower afternoon, and hopefully I'll be able to read or Colorfy off and on for the next few hours and stay in a good head space. By the end of the week, though, I may be pulling out my hair.
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