Slow for a Monday morning. I'm guessing that because of the holiday, most places might not be open, or they may think we're not open. Either way, it's been slow, and that's alright by me-- we're probably going to much busier this afternoon, so I will take the down time when I can get it.
After a few months of not writing much, I realized I do want to get back into the habit -- the sound and feel of typing is so satisfying, especially when I'm on a roll and don't have to struggle to put things into words-- trouble is, as of this very moment, I don't have much of anything to write about. I could always do stream of consciousness, but that can tend to take me to some dark places that don't need to be prodded. And, now that the morning is about to turn into our crazy time, stream of consciousness isn't going to work much, since I'll have to stop typing to answer the phone, and that'll throw me off. (In that one sentence, I got two phone calls, which meant it took me 6 minutes to write that.)
... restless... stream of consciousness it is...
Grrrrr. I want to write, but I don't have anything to write about! You'd think that would stop me, but apparently not, since I can't take my fingers off the keyboard. It's either this or more Netflix on my iPad, which would be just fine, as I'm going through an "Alias" marathon for the first time in years, but it's just as much a stop-and-go effort as writing would be, what with my job being "answering phones" and all and that's hard to do while multitasking on a TV show (or a blog entry). Anyway, I tend to start hunching over when I watch anything, which makes my back sore, and I start to feel restless since I don't have anything physical to do, unlike typing, which keeps me sitting much straighter and gives me the incredibly effective physical release of moving my hands and fingers so much. Oh, by the way, "Alias"? Still totally holds up. Now, seasons 3, 4, and 5 were a bit of a struggle, and that was mostly because JJ Abrams was working on "Lost" and wasn't focusing on "Alias" nearly as much, but there are still some gems in those three seasons. It's the first two seasons that just kick so much ass. Great story lines, great action, great costumes, and the character of Will absolutely breaks my heart. He really gets the shit beaten out of him more often than not, and doesn't deserve it, not when he's only trying to look out for Sydney (even if she could break bones with her pinkies, she still needs emotional support). I'm also cherry picking some "West Wing" episodes, but haven't committed to the marathon yet; trying to finish "Alias" first, and then my time will be devoted to my other early 2000 TV love. It's amazing, having these shows on in the background, even when at work... they're so familiar and entertaining that, just by keeping one earbud in, I feel a very particular form of relaxed. Just like hearing an old favorite song or rereading a formative book, I get the same sense of coziness and what I could best describe as a sense of confidence; I have something with me that I love that very clearly defines a part of my personality, and by keeping it going, even if I'm working on something else (that doesn't require me to talk or listen to others), I have this picture in my head of who I am, and it's wonderful. I always have a ton of newer stuff on my lists (podcasts, books, movies, TV shows, albums, etc.), but paying attention to them at work when I need something to be more like white noise doesn't help. If it's new, I want to really absorb it, not just tune in and out in between work.
(Several calls in a row, had to stop. Back into it.)
Award season is underway, and some of the nominations and wins are surprising (like "The Martian", which is a great movie, being nominated as a... comedy... or anything related to "Mad Max"), and some are so blatantly obvious (just give Leo an Oscar so he'll stop trying so hard). I still have to see "The Big Short", and I think "Spotlight" and "Concussion" might be on my list, too. Otherwise, I'm just trying to keep it together before the next round of Marvel movies come out. I'm most excited to see how they approach Black Panther and Dr. Strange. I love both actors, and the casts they've put together for those movies looks great, but they're weird stories. If either had been out before "Guardians of the Galaxy", I would doubt if they'd be able to pull it off. Ooooh, and most importantly, "Agent Carter" is back tomorrow! I! Can't! Wait!
(More calls... the next hour is going to be nutsy... writing as I can...)
I started working out again, mostly because I haven't done anything since yoga almost two months ago, and that's too long for me to take a break. I was getting to a place where working out was only creating stress for me rather than helping strength or flexibility or muscle tone improve. Now that I feel a bit more balanced, and now that I have some customizable resistance bands that can get up to 120 pounds, I'm back to it, and I'm already feeling sore; I've been doing more exercises for back and shoulders since they're the weakest parts of me, but it's the two things I did for my legs and hips this weekend that are beating the crap out of me today. I mean, standing up makes me feel like a newborn baby deer. If there was Benny Hill music playing in the office, that'd be one thing, but dead silence and me falling out of my chair don't mix as well.
I completely forgot to mention this in my last entry, but I got my hair cut. I mean, chopped. Probably gave up 8 inches, and now my hair is an inch below my ears. This is easily the shortest I've had it since it passed a certain length when I was a toddler. I've wanted to get it cut this length for around three months, but with the holidays and the cold, it didn't seem like the right time. I was also going to get it cut before going out to Michigan so I could ring in the New Year with a new style, but the timing got away from me, and I kinda chickened out, too. I didn't want to try anything too complicated right before spending a week in a house with three kids under the age of four, limiting the time I could spend figuring out how to style my new haircut. Almost anything I do to it looks adorable. Straight, curly, wavy, I even did two French braid pigtails last night while working out, and I mean... I'm just so CUTE!
The afternoon is fast approaching, and with it, some paperwork and data entry that'll be easier if I can just get it done all at once, so I'm going to call this good and get some tea while no one is calling. It's been absolutely frigid at work for three or four weeks, and whatever I can do to keep my hands warm, I'm doing.
Monday, January 18, 2016
Thursday, January 14, 2016
New Year
Uh, yeah, it's been forever since I've even thought about writing in here. That's what happens when you have Netflix playing all afternoon during a slow work day. Probably for the best, too, since getting too introspective during the holidays has been problematic for me in the past, and simply experiencing said holidays was a lot more enjoyable. I got to take some time off, I got a few nice gifts (like a big girl coloring book that is slowly absorbing all my time and causing kyphosis), and I got to see both of my brothers because of some flukes in schedules. The last time we were together was for our mom's 60th birthday, and my newest nephew, Toby, hadn't been born yet, so this time it was all brothers, all sisters-in-law, and all nieces and nephews for a couple days in Michigan. It was wonderful.
Therapy has been going really well, which is probably another reason I haven't written much of anything. With more BLS during our EMDR sessions, and with more practicing of all of my tools in between the sessions, I've been handling anything crazy coming up much faster and much better. We're getting into some long-standing and formative traumas, something that, were I not better prepared, would feel like a real battle, like I was constantly under attack from my own head. Surprisingly few nightmares, too. The one or two I've had in the last month were familiar, given that they were recycled from months or even years ago-- being so provoked by someone that I feel like trying to hurt or even kill them, even hitting them or getting my hands around their throat-- and while they're suuuuuuper uncomfortable and force me to wake myself up in a hurry, they're nothing like the ones I was having over the summer-- being raped or stalked or coerced or blackmailed or shot-- so that is a gigantic improvement.
I'm also trying something new (for me) this year. I hardly ever make resolutions, mostly because after a few months, they may not be valid anymore, and constantly updating them makes me feel like I'm failing, no matter the circumstances. Instead, I'm keeping a mason jar on my desk and filling it with the good things, big and small, that happen to me during the year. I'm not forcing myself to add something every single day, mostly because that feels like I'm trying too hard to make myself be happy all the damned time, and that doesn't work for me. Better to add them as they happen. The jar is already holding 5 or 6, and that's pretty good this early in the year.
The one big thing that's popping up occasionally is The Future, specifically if I still want to make this move to Cleveland, and if my original date is going to work. It's the first time I'll be completely supporting myself, in a city without immediate family or old friends close by, and many things will be up to me that haven't been before. I'm not expecting to move there and immediately get jobs in theater companies or get cast in an indie film, but I am building up some anxiety about the time frame those things should happen for me to consider this move a success. Sometimes I think all I can handle is a small life, where I don't take these risks and learn to accept what I have, but then again, I've done that almost all my life, and I'm not happy with that result. Basic logic tells me I need to do something different if I want a better outcome. It's just so scary right now. Reminding myself that all I ever need to do, every single day, is take things one step at a time, look at the easiest thing I can change, and go on from there... it certainly helps, but there are times when it feels like I'm putting it off rather than confronting my fears head on, balls out, guns blazing. I wish I was braver, or even reckless at times; who knows if that would have paid off more than what I've done up to now.
To be honest, all this is for another day. I'm getting some random opportunities coming up now, like Boys & Girls Club offering my a part time job so I could get paid for a few more hours there running their Performing Arts programs (which gets me both more money and something for both job & performance resumes), and a student from Big T (one of my mom's first group of favorite students) working on a photography project for a class and asked me to volunteer (which might get me some updated headshots if things go well). So for now, I only need to keep the frustration caused by fucking stupid customers out of my voice. I mean, these people don't know what numbers are, how the FUCK did they become doctors?! (It's been a dumb week.)
Therapy has been going really well, which is probably another reason I haven't written much of anything. With more BLS during our EMDR sessions, and with more practicing of all of my tools in between the sessions, I've been handling anything crazy coming up much faster and much better. We're getting into some long-standing and formative traumas, something that, were I not better prepared, would feel like a real battle, like I was constantly under attack from my own head. Surprisingly few nightmares, too. The one or two I've had in the last month were familiar, given that they were recycled from months or even years ago-- being so provoked by someone that I feel like trying to hurt or even kill them, even hitting them or getting my hands around their throat-- and while they're suuuuuuper uncomfortable and force me to wake myself up in a hurry, they're nothing like the ones I was having over the summer-- being raped or stalked or coerced or blackmailed or shot-- so that is a gigantic improvement.
I'm also trying something new (for me) this year. I hardly ever make resolutions, mostly because after a few months, they may not be valid anymore, and constantly updating them makes me feel like I'm failing, no matter the circumstances. Instead, I'm keeping a mason jar on my desk and filling it with the good things, big and small, that happen to me during the year. I'm not forcing myself to add something every single day, mostly because that feels like I'm trying too hard to make myself be happy all the damned time, and that doesn't work for me. Better to add them as they happen. The jar is already holding 5 or 6, and that's pretty good this early in the year.
The one big thing that's popping up occasionally is The Future, specifically if I still want to make this move to Cleveland, and if my original date is going to work. It's the first time I'll be completely supporting myself, in a city without immediate family or old friends close by, and many things will be up to me that haven't been before. I'm not expecting to move there and immediately get jobs in theater companies or get cast in an indie film, but I am building up some anxiety about the time frame those things should happen for me to consider this move a success. Sometimes I think all I can handle is a small life, where I don't take these risks and learn to accept what I have, but then again, I've done that almost all my life, and I'm not happy with that result. Basic logic tells me I need to do something different if I want a better outcome. It's just so scary right now. Reminding myself that all I ever need to do, every single day, is take things one step at a time, look at the easiest thing I can change, and go on from there... it certainly helps, but there are times when it feels like I'm putting it off rather than confronting my fears head on, balls out, guns blazing. I wish I was braver, or even reckless at times; who knows if that would have paid off more than what I've done up to now.
To be honest, all this is for another day. I'm getting some random opportunities coming up now, like Boys & Girls Club offering my a part time job so I could get paid for a few more hours there running their Performing Arts programs (which gets me both more money and something for both job & performance resumes), and a student from Big T (one of my mom's first group of favorite students) working on a photography project for a class and asked me to volunteer (which might get me some updated headshots if things go well). So for now, I only need to keep the frustration caused by fucking stupid customers out of my voice. I mean, these people don't know what numbers are, how the FUCK did they become doctors?! (It's been a dumb week.)
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