November, and a quiet weekend for Halloween, and that's all very appreciated, especially yesterday, a day that was devoted to eating a lot while lounging in my pajamas and watching a NatGeo marathon of Cosmos, then ending by doing yoga for the first time in months (new yoga mat, as my old one was getting pretty torn up, and it never felt very stable, even after washing it several times to get a better grip). But then... the morning comes.
Let it be known that I actually don't mind Mondays. It's Tuesdays that are the real bitch of the week, because by this time, you've committed to your week, but you still have most of the week to get through, making the most previous weekend seem much further away without the hope of the coming weekend to soften the blow. But this morning, for a few different reasons, I was having a very hard time getting to work and then beginning what needed to get done right away. Why? Because I'm coming up to the end of the hours I was contracted for through the temp agency, meaning that I will soon be in a position to be hired by this company and keep the job I've had since July, something that has been enormously beneficial and stable for me, or I will not be hired and have to go back to square one looking for a new job. The biggest reason behind the anxiety is that while I've had some complaints, I've also had a lot of compliments and have been making changes to ensure that I don't get the same complaints coming up again. Beyond that, there is little I can do to influence the people that are making the decision of keeping me on staff. So that bothers me. I don't want to be an alarmist and call my rep at the temp agency and say "we need to start looking for new stuff right now so I don't lose any time or money", but wouldn't it be a good dose of caution to do that, just to give myself some peace of mind knowing that I've covered my bases? Thing is, that forces me to confront the possibility of a difficult next few months (especially around the rapidly approaching winter and holiday season) at a time when I want to stay in the groove that I'm in because I know it's leading to some good results and, if I stay on track, will allow me a lot of opportunities this coming summer, when I'm looking to move to Cleveland and start working towards my next career goal(s). I don't want to deviate from something that is stable. That's taking a sledgehammer to the base of my hierarchy of needs and not only knocking it out of place, but proceeding to smash it into little teeny tiny pieces.
Here are some good things: I've been taking on more responsibilities, like checking and answering voice mails, filling backorders, sorting through paperwork for new customers, and mailing out invoices every morning. Logically, that tells me that I fit in well, and since I'm doing all of these things well, that lets my bosses know I can take on more tasks and complete them well too. We have another person answering phones, and he's doing a good job, and I've been able to help him, knowing that he is taking a lot of burden off of me. The higher ups are hiring a new accountant for the office, too, which will also make things easier for me, and reduce the likeliness of me being so stressed that I make the same mistakes that piss off people on the phone.
Here are the bad things: I have no confidence that I'm considered valuable here, mostly because I've been in work situations before where I was not valued and instead was considered disposable, and lost the job. Because I have made some mistakes that I couldn't correct right away, coming from customers rather than from coworkers that could then help me, I don't know if that's going to count against me or not, and I am spooked. Customers have gotten me fired before. Not to mention that they're looking to hire a new full time accountant, which is probably a bigger cost for them, so why would they also want to hire another person? I don't exactly know or understand how their agreement with temp agencies works, but what if this becomes a factor, that hiring a more important position full time affects whether or not they'll be able to afford me too?
After a crazy morning (the good crazy, the busy crazy that distracts me and focuses me and allows me to demonstrate how good I've become at this job), I now have the potential for a slower afternoon, and hopefully I'll be able to read or Colorfy off and on for the next few hours and stay in a good head space. By the end of the week, though, I may be pulling out my hair.
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