Force Of Will, Dammit!

I am in a funk this morning, and for semi-justifiable reasons... but I really don't want to be so much of a crabby-pants, especially if it makes me start to feel like I'm creating more problems for myself than I need.

For starters, I spent most of the weekend trying to fix my Mac, culminating in nearly 6 hours on the phone with 4 different tech supports. Positives: it did get fixed, and for no charge since it took them so long to get it figured out. Negatives: that took 6 hours out of a Sunday I was hoping to use for other things, and it's never fun when one has a mini breakdown on the phone with a complete stranger. Because my Mac didn't start genuinely working until about 9:30 at night, it threw off everything I needed to finish before going to sleep, resulting in a bedtime of somewhere around 1:45am. And I woke up twice during the night, so I did not sleep well at all. I was very tempted to load up on yerba mate this morning and try to perk up some, but the inevitable caffeine crash would have destroyed me this afternoon.

The other thing that is causing me some mental blech is the number of immensely rude people I've had in the last 2+ days on the phone at work. I can tolerate some rudeness without problems; I have to remind myself that other people are going through their own things, and that sometimes me being a little extra nice is enough to change their tone and make them not only easier to talk to, but hopefully a little more cheerful for everyone else in their lives for the rest of the day. That's worth it for me. But I got an ass-chewing last Friday morning by someone who I'm fairly certain, based on my limited interaction with her, is a troll that lives under a bridge and steals children that pass by on the surface... or possibly a banshee that found a new frequency for her vocal chords to use to get her way without destroying the listener's eardrums. (She really was quite a heinous person to talk to.) After such an insane week with most of the bullpen staff taking personal days for some pretty intense emergencies (funerals and ER visits and lingering colds, none of them related) and only being staffed with half of the usual crowd to get through the same amount of work, and after spending a week with my computer rebooting at all hours of the day and night (especially night) and me being drastically sleep deprived, I was hoping that Friday would have been much more of a laid back, carefree day. The afternoon eventually settled down, but I was amazed I made it through, being so tired that I could barely blink without feeling the weight of my eyelids increase to about 1000 pounds. Then this morning, my very first call of the day was a totally different grumpy pants children's book villain, perhaps an ogre that crushes the bones of her victims for her morning protein shake. I expect Monday's to be busier days based on common sense and past experience, and I am completely aware that most people hate Mondays with the heat of a thousand suns, but I do not need to have some total ass-hat complaining to me as my first call of the day/week.

Of course, now that I am starting feel like this job is a good fit for me and I am expecting to stay here for at least one year before I reevaluate and execute my next step, and of course, now that I am enjoying regular money coming in and am able to pay off a lot of things and get caught up on so many basic needs I've put off for years, I am developing so many of my previous job-related neuroses again. It's fear-based stuff that really fucked with me in the last two or three jobs I had that I had cared about, and it's really hard to let go of it or attempt to retrain my brain to deal with it more effectively. There's also some unavoidable workplace drama that's starting to make me grumble about a couple of coworkers when they're together. So that made my early morning difficult, knowing that there was a TON of stuff that was affecting me more than a typical Monday morning. Of course, a few hours have passed since I started writing, and I have gotten through what is usually the most traffic-heavy time of the day without incident. I am tuning out the Pick-A-Little going on behind me since it is not about me and I don't really care that damned much, and I can't do much of anything to stop it if it ever does become about me except continuing to treat them the way I would like to be treated by them. For the rest of the day, I am going to get through the difficult stuff as it comes up, and most importantly, not dwell on when that could be, or obsess after it's happened to make myself worry if I could have done anything differently or better. I am comfortable trying to make my time here more pleasant with less anxiety, and I am going to make big efforts to release the old and "bad" behavior I used to use in previous jobs. Force of will, dammit!

Clearing My Head

I'm going to take time this morning and figure out why I'm feeling so blue before 9:00am.

1. I've had two dreams in two days about separating from a parent, and it's been heartbreaking both times. First, this person turned into a ghost, but could still call me and my brothers, and that was one of the only ways we could stay in contact. The second dream was this morning, and it was painful enough that while I could recall it after I woke up, it's two hours later, and I can't remember anything about it except that I made the connection (once I was awake) that this was the second time I've had this theme surface in a dream. Apparently, I scrubbed it from my mind when I was brushing my teeth.
2. It's another parent's birthday today, and I could not give any less of a fuck.
3. I checked the news this morning (big mistake) and the very first thing I saw was the mini crisis (for now) with the stock market, and then I figured that wasn't disturbing enough, so I should read more news. When will I ever learn. I swear, one of the only categories I can ever trust to be neutral and sometimes uplifting when I search for news is Space. We discovered this, we proved that, we are working on a new thing, we got data back from our current thing, and these people are badass.
4. One of the women I work with is taking today off, and while I enjoy the other two that work in the bullpen with me, and while I have learned that they are both fine on their own, when they're together, I start to hum "Pick-A-Little, Talk-A-Little" from The Music Man. They feed off of each other's martyrdom and become very gossipy, something I abhor, and it's something that I don't notice as much if I've got the woman who is out for today on the other side of my desk. She tends to stay much more positive, even when things are crazy (as they have been for most of the month), and that helps me feel like I'm doing a good job and can get things accomplished, and not like I need to stay quiet and keep my nose clean and my head down.
5. I. Am. Tired. I caught up on sleep over the weekend, but my computer, which is what I normally use for my alarm clock, is working out a bug after getting a new update, and it keeps rebooting if I put it into sleep mode, so I've been using another device for my alarm, but I keep psyching myself out in my sleep, thinking I am going to miss the alarm... which means I don't really get any rest. I woke up at least twice in the course of about 5 hours, and when that's the only amount of time you have for sleep, every minute of it is precious and essential. I desperately wanted one more hour once my alarm did go off, and was tempted to play tag with my snooze button, but in my hazy brain, I knew I would never get out of bed if I did that. A trick I have developed is to hook the anchor to my suspension trainer over my bathroom door so that first thing, before I can do anything else in the morning, I have to use it. I knocked out one quick round of Tabata for my back and shoulders, which did help me feel more alert, and went about with my regular routine. I'll probably do a longer workout when I get home and really try to tire myself out, and I'll be amazed if I make it to 11:00pm tonight.

Now that it's after 10:30 and I've identified what's causing some blech in my head, I feel a little bit better. I think I might spend some of my downtime on a writing project today; I had a big stumble last week when I asked for my birthday off from work and couldn't get the day because it is going to be too busy and that date was already denied when someone else asked for it. It triggered the wave of emotions I have in me involving this birthday, and I felt it all come rushing out at the end of that day, and I started some of what I refer to as "emotional cutting", wallowing in all the things that are crap in my life. The project I had in mind for today was to make a detailed account of what I love about my life, and the things or features or traits about me that are exclusively mine or have defined me in the best way for almost 30 years. It's going to be a rather big undertaking, and it's going to require some discipline, so it may be something that takes more like the rest of the week, but if I can devote some sincerity to it, I feel like it might really pay off.

Gotta stay on the phones now. It's already a busy day.

A Quiet Wednesday Morning

Suspension training is fuuuun!

Now that I have a job again and have gotten caught up on some outstanding bills, I've been looking at some goodies on Amazon that I've been meaning to get for over a year. One of those goodies was a suspension trainer, something I've been wanting to add to my workout equipment collection since 2012, when I was working out with a trainer friend a couple times a week, and he had me try inverted rows. It's such an awesome piece of equipment, but ridiculously overpriced when it's one particular brand, and for a long time, I was debating making one myself with materials from a hardware store-- really, it's high-quality straps with handles and an anchor, how hard could that be-- but miracle of miracles, I found a different brand that sold theirs for what it would have cost me to make my own, and I got free shipping. (The Gift of Stellar Shopping is one I use only for good, never for evil. I am sworn by my mother and her mother before her; it is a Gift passed down through generations.) I'm already doing a lot more lats, pecs, and shoulder work, and feeling great now that I can correct some old shoulder problems and clean up my posture, especially now that I'm sitting at a desk for 8 hours a day and noticing times when I'm slumping at my chest and feeling it in my upper back. It doesn't help that my chair is built for someone about two inches taller than me, so when I try to relax into it, I have to take my feet off the floor if I want to include my upper back. I keep meaning to bring in a pillow or cushion to make this chair better for me, but really I should just check the rest of the offices for a different chair.

Wow. Boring entry so far. I mean, it's nice to have the time in the morning at work to write for a while, but there isn't anything gigantic that I absolutely need to get out of my system by typing furiously on my keyboard, so that leaves me with some routine kind of things. Between the craziness from the billing fuck-up earlier this month at work finally calming down and noticing the benefits of the techniques my therapist has been teaching me for managing stress and staying mindful of my environment and emotions, I am happy to be a little boring. Besides, there is a strong possibility for more craziness in a few weeks, since my 30th birthday is coming up, and I am so very much not prepared for it.

What else, what else, what else... okay, I guess the theme of today is "therapies". This is why I adore my iPad: grown-up coloring books. It is one of the most soothing and fun things to do for hours at a time. Seriously, I've been coloring on this thing for something like two months now, and any time they add new pages or colors, I buy them up right away. I'm thisclose to getting some printed books, but the thing I like most about having them on the iPad is that I can recolor the same design as many times as I want, and save the pictures so I can look at preeeeeeety earlier versions. And it is sooo therapeutic. When you have time to devote to nothing but choosing an interesting color combination for a mandala design, it's amazing how quickly every other distraction, whatever size it might be, completely fades away. It's a meditative activity without being something that makes you think "I'm meditating, I should be relaxed to the point of falling asleep". In fact, if the afternoon slows down the way I hope it should for a Wednesday, I fully intend on coloring away.

Alright. Have to finish a few things before I regress to a happy 6 year old with my coloring app.

Roller Coaster! Of Emotions! (Say What?)

Haven't written in a while, and I know exactly why: the new software we use at work threw us a low and dirty curveball that we then took a big swing at, and for the last two weeks, we've been experiencing a certain amount of chaos while trying to get the bookkeeping caught up to date for all of our thousands of clients. And this was within the first month of working here! Fortunately, everyone is very reassuring when they say that this chaos is not the norm and that we're getting much more of this system worked out as we go.

Today has taken me all over the place with emotions because, while it is Friday and therefore the slowest day of our week at work, I've had some strange conversations with some strange (and rude) customers. This is at the end of a very long week of snippy people on the phone who seem to think that they are the only customer for any business in the world, and that we are deliberately set on sticking it to them. So having a few more hours of mean people passive aggressively taking out all of their frustrations on someone who is attempting to help them (and the seven other people waiting on hold) was not something I was expecting for the end of my week. I'm still a bit tired, even though I've been adjusting fairly well to having to get up around 6am again, but today, I've been yawning a lot and my throat and voice feel ragged from so much talking, or rather, from so much talking and not being heard. With the chunks of time where no one is calling in and I have a few moments to relax, I remind myself to stay present and mindful of what's happening within me and around me: I am doing the best I can, and my best includes admitting when I do not know something or fixing a mistake I have made; the people on the phone are not people I have to deal with in any other capacity in any other place in my life, so their opinions do not matter to me; my coworkers are helping me through the times when I don't feel like I know what I'm doing, and they are all struggling with the craziness here as well; it is the end of the work week and I got paid, so I can enjoy myself tonight and this weekend; the remainder of the day should be much more predictable, and that includes time to read or write more; I'm getting back into some old stuff for working out and doing some IM fasting, which will mean a few days of discomfort while I adjust; so all in all, a lot happening in my brain.

Speaking of IM fasting...

One of those oddly profound thoughts bubbled up last night while in the shower. Fasting is about not putting anything in while your system still works on processing what it already has stored. It's the dietary equivalent of holding your breath... for 16 hours. That made me think of how much of my breathing is actually not breathing, but holding a vacuum. I tend to take very deep breaths in and exhale slowly, so when I get to the end of my exhale, I hold that for a few moments before I breathe in again. It's part of a singing exercise to train yourself to get as much air in as part of as silent an inhale as possible. That made me wonder how much of my breathing is actually not breathing, but holding a vacuum. And then I went through the looking glass.

Why is the concept of existing in a vacuum something most people are uncomfortable with? Seriously. Look at how much of your own day is spent putting something in or taking something out. Put this in your system to feel better. Detoxify to take out this out to feel better. This fear of vacuum is not limited to tangible things. It includes experiences or thought processes. Go on this spiritual retreat to add it to your lexicon of how to make your life perfect. Remove this toxic person from your life to be happier.

I am not saying that constantly living in the space between breaths is good and all you should ever need to do, nor am I saying that adding or subtracting things or people or experiences in your life is bad. It seems to me, though, that those moments of simply existing without wanting or needing anything are a lot less frightening than you might think they would be. It's the goal of almost every practice of meditation, to allow for space in your being, to allow for the processes that are starting or finishing to run their courses, and to give yourself a break from constantly doing doing doing. It is also, as I have found, a consistent method of combating depression symptoms, and sometimes, even the causes.

This entry took me about 3-4 hours to finish, and I only have a couple hours left for work today, and I am already fantasizing about my calm weekend, so I think for the rest of my time here, I am going to take it easy.

I Can't Spell The Sound Of Frustration Coming Out Of My Head

Ooooooooh, am I in a mood today. An odd confluence of details and circumstances makes for a grungy feeling morning, and while I think I'm getting through it fairly well, it's definitely taking more effort than I was expecting I would need.

First off, an acquaintance of mine is treating me like a moron because I shared my opinion on a political issue. It's not so much the content of the issue that's bothering me-- I studied political science and case law and competed in a national competition centered on knowledge of the Bill of Rights, the Constitution, and other supporting documents that laid the groundwork for our system in other examples of government, and I know how to debate with facts and data, and I'm comfortable talking about the role of government, which is what this issues is centered around-- as it is the way he's talking to me, like he's a talking head on Fox News. He's a fire-starter, and loves getting people so worked up that they start yelling and screaming. I've seen him do it to other people, and in that scenario, I just walk away; I don't get involved with people looking to pick a fight or prove how they're right with the caveat that everyone else is wrong. But he jumped on something I said that was not directed at him, and has spent an inordinate amount of time trying to bait me into a screaming match. My dilemma is that I know I can present facts, craft an argument that displays the merits of my position, and can understand the opposition's arguments enough to give counterpoints when I have them, and concede when I can agree; I also want to be done with this ridiculous experience, and for that to happen, I have to keep quiet, because anything I say will only stir the pot. I can be right, or I can be finished, and neither one of those options is good enough, so I have to choose which one I can stomach.

Secondly, and most importantly right now, work has been fucknuts batshit crazy! I started only a few weeks after they switched to a new computer system, so I have been learning just slightly behind them, and I feel like, for the most part, I'm picking it up alright. And then yesterday happened. Yesterday. The End of The Month Statements. We had some error between the old and new systems, and not all of the billing information for customers ended up in the right place, so when we sent out a mass email letting everyone know their balances, our phone lines exploded. Last night, with eight minutes to closing, we had about 15-20 people call the three phones here about their bills and we didn't have any answers for them, so I knew that today was going to suuuuuuuuck, but holy hell in a hula hoop! We had absolutely non-stop calls for FIVE HOURS and only three people instead of six answering phones. And we couldn't even really answer! We didn't know what the hell was going on, so how can we tell everyone else how we're going to fix it?! (Give you an example of how bad it was here: this paragraph took me two fucking hours to write!)

I've kept this entry open today because in the few minutes of downtime I've had, I've needed to get the frustration out of my head so I don't start lashing out at coworkers, or more likely, customers. I'm glad I've had it up-- I type fast anyway-- but I have to end it for now because I'm supposed to leave in about an hour so I can get an adjustment and then home to play with my nephew.

Resolving Anger Without Turning Green

Family time!

My brother, sister-in-law, and little chunker of a 6-month-old nephew are here, and I love it! The little guy made it through a two day road trip with no problems, something his parents are very proud of, and rightfully so; I get fussy driving my car for longer than an hour. We caught up yesterday evening, sitting on the patio and enjoying watching the dogs lick Toby's toes, and laughing at the variety of faces this little guy's made in his six months. He looks so much like his dad, it is astounding, especially when we started comparing his baby pictures to Toby now. He really is a sweet lil' dude, and it's pretty cute to watch him, as his dad puts it, giggle-fuss.

The downside is that I stayed up way too late last night, chatting and laughing away; each time I checked my watch and told myself to call it a night in five minutes was followed by pushing that five minute deadline another five minutes, so I didn't get to sleep until 1:00am, which did not give me enough time to sleep before I had to get up at 6:15am. I went through my new routine of a couple rounds of Tabata the moment I got out of bed, got dressed for work, made some yerba mate so I could get a little bit of caffeine to clear my head, and was doing great for the first three hours of being awake. Now, even though I've had some protein to munch on while at my desk, I'm starting to feel a dip. The yawns are creeping up on me, something that I hate not so much for the physical sensation of feeling my face contort to something out of horror film, but for the mental affirmation that I am tired, mostly because I woke up at one point during the night with my arm so numb that I could have used it as a club and never felt the impact. That's hard to sleep through.

Within the last three or four days, I've been working through some intense anger issues, mostly centered around acquaintances that surprised me with some extreme behavior (condescension from one, sexism form another), or the asinine drivers that should not surprise me with their god-awful driving as much as they do, and it's been a challenge to come to a resolution that left me feeling like I could let go of that anger without invalidating how it felt at the time. Anger is such a difficult issue with me because it requires quite a balancing act, and I don't often feel like I do that successfully. Anger is a perfectly valid emotion (I have to remind myself), and it can be helpful when used correctly, like if my anger is motivation to effect a good change in my life or the life of someone I care about. (It can be very satisfying to stand up for myself without feeling like I'm becoming She-Hulk, and it's a relief to see anger lead to a good result.) But for a long time, my reaction to feeling anger was so painful that it only caused more problems and created more situations where things could not be resolved in a good way, if at all. To get through anger now, I have a short conversation in my head (or even out loud if my head is not a safe place), asking myself if I can use this anger for anything positive. If I can, I take the next step, whatever that may be. If I can't, I ask what I can do with this uncomfortable emotion. If the answer is 'nothing', then I give myself permission to let go of it so it doesn't sit and fester like it used to. Obviously, there is some grey area in between the 'yes' and 'no', and that can keep the anger on a simmer, but being able to talk myself through the event is invaluable; it saves me from feeling useless and frustrated, and it sometimes points out that I can take more action than I might have initially believed. That's empowering, and I will always say yes to more of that.

Work has gotten busier, and having to keep up with the call traffic perked me up some more. I have a lunch of smoked salmon and spinach waiting for me, and it just took me three tries to spell 'spinach' correctly, so I think it's time to take a break from the computer and get my food. A few more hours, and I get to play with my nephew again! Yay!