Slow for a Monday morning. I'm guessing that because of the holiday, most places might not be open, or they may think we're not open. Either way, it's been slow, and that's alright by me-- we're probably going to much busier this afternoon, so I will take the down time when I can get it.
After a few months of not writing much, I realized I do want to get back into the habit -- the sound and feel of typing is so satisfying, especially when I'm on a roll and don't have to struggle to put things into words-- trouble is, as of this very moment, I don't have much of anything to write about. I could always do stream of consciousness, but that can tend to take me to some dark places that don't need to be prodded. And, now that the morning is about to turn into our crazy time, stream of consciousness isn't going to work much, since I'll have to stop typing to answer the phone, and that'll throw me off. (In that one sentence, I got two phone calls, which meant it took me 6 minutes to write that.)
... restless... stream of consciousness it is...
Grrrrr. I want to write, but I don't have anything to write about! You'd think that would stop me, but apparently not, since I can't take my fingers off the keyboard. It's either this or more Netflix on my iPad, which would be just fine, as I'm going through an "Alias" marathon for the first time in years, but it's just as much a stop-and-go effort as writing would be, what with my job being "answering phones" and all and that's hard to do while multitasking on a TV show (or a blog entry). Anyway, I tend to start hunching over when I watch anything, which makes my back sore, and I start to feel restless since I don't have anything physical to do, unlike typing, which keeps me sitting much straighter and gives me the incredibly effective physical release of moving my hands and fingers so much. Oh, by the way, "Alias"? Still totally holds up. Now, seasons 3, 4, and 5 were a bit of a struggle, and that was mostly because JJ Abrams was working on "Lost" and wasn't focusing on "Alias" nearly as much, but there are still some gems in those three seasons. It's the first two seasons that just kick so much ass. Great story lines, great action, great costumes, and the character of Will absolutely breaks my heart. He really gets the shit beaten out of him more often than not, and doesn't deserve it, not when he's only trying to look out for Sydney (even if she could break bones with her pinkies, she still needs emotional support). I'm also cherry picking some "West Wing" episodes, but haven't committed to the marathon yet; trying to finish "Alias" first, and then my time will be devoted to my other early 2000 TV love. It's amazing, having these shows on in the background, even when at work... they're so familiar and entertaining that, just by keeping one earbud in, I feel a very particular form of relaxed. Just like hearing an old favorite song or rereading a formative book, I get the same sense of coziness and what I could best describe as a sense of confidence; I have something with me that I love that very clearly defines a part of my personality, and by keeping it going, even if I'm working on something else (that doesn't require me to talk or listen to others), I have this picture in my head of who I am, and it's wonderful. I always have a ton of newer stuff on my lists (podcasts, books, movies, TV shows, albums, etc.), but paying attention to them at work when I need something to be more like white noise doesn't help. If it's new, I want to really absorb it, not just tune in and out in between work.
(Several calls in a row, had to stop. Back into it.)
Award season is underway, and some of the nominations and wins are surprising (like "The Martian", which is a great movie, being nominated as a... comedy... or anything related to "Mad Max"), and some are so blatantly obvious (just give Leo an Oscar so he'll stop trying so hard). I still have to see "The Big Short", and I think "Spotlight" and "Concussion" might be on my list, too. Otherwise, I'm just trying to keep it together before the next round of Marvel movies come out. I'm most excited to see how they approach Black Panther and Dr. Strange. I love both actors, and the casts they've put together for those movies looks great, but they're weird stories. If either had been out before "Guardians of the Galaxy", I would doubt if they'd be able to pull it off. Ooooh, and most importantly, "Agent Carter" is back tomorrow! I! Can't! Wait!
(More calls... the next hour is going to be nutsy... writing as I can...)
I started working out again, mostly because I haven't done anything since yoga almost two months ago, and that's too long for me to take a break. I was getting to a place where working out was only creating stress for me rather than helping strength or flexibility or muscle tone improve. Now that I feel a bit more balanced, and now that I have some customizable resistance bands that can get up to 120 pounds, I'm back to it, and I'm already feeling sore; I've been doing more exercises for back and shoulders since they're the weakest parts of me, but it's the two things I did for my legs and hips this weekend that are beating the crap out of me today. I mean, standing up makes me feel like a newborn baby deer. If there was Benny Hill music playing in the office, that'd be one thing, but dead silence and me falling out of my chair don't mix as well.
I completely forgot to mention this in my last entry, but I got my hair cut. I mean, chopped. Probably gave up 8 inches, and now my hair is an inch below my ears. This is easily the shortest I've had it since it passed a certain length when I was a toddler. I've wanted to get it cut this length for around three months, but with the holidays and the cold, it didn't seem like the right time. I was also going to get it cut before going out to Michigan so I could ring in the New Year with a new style, but the timing got away from me, and I kinda chickened out, too. I didn't want to try anything too complicated right before spending a week in a house with three kids under the age of four, limiting the time I could spend figuring out how to style my new haircut. Almost anything I do to it looks adorable. Straight, curly, wavy, I even did two French braid pigtails last night while working out, and I mean... I'm just so CUTE!
The afternoon is fast approaching, and with it, some paperwork and data entry that'll be easier if I can just get it done all at once, so I'm going to call this good and get some tea while no one is calling. It's been absolutely frigid at work for three or four weeks, and whatever I can do to keep my hands warm, I'm doing.
Monday, January 18, 2016
Thursday, January 14, 2016
New Year
Uh, yeah, it's been forever since I've even thought about writing in here. That's what happens when you have Netflix playing all afternoon during a slow work day. Probably for the best, too, since getting too introspective during the holidays has been problematic for me in the past, and simply experiencing said holidays was a lot more enjoyable. I got to take some time off, I got a few nice gifts (like a big girl coloring book that is slowly absorbing all my time and causing kyphosis), and I got to see both of my brothers because of some flukes in schedules. The last time we were together was for our mom's 60th birthday, and my newest nephew, Toby, hadn't been born yet, so this time it was all brothers, all sisters-in-law, and all nieces and nephews for a couple days in Michigan. It was wonderful.
Therapy has been going really well, which is probably another reason I haven't written much of anything. With more BLS during our EMDR sessions, and with more practicing of all of my tools in between the sessions, I've been handling anything crazy coming up much faster and much better. We're getting into some long-standing and formative traumas, something that, were I not better prepared, would feel like a real battle, like I was constantly under attack from my own head. Surprisingly few nightmares, too. The one or two I've had in the last month were familiar, given that they were recycled from months or even years ago-- being so provoked by someone that I feel like trying to hurt or even kill them, even hitting them or getting my hands around their throat-- and while they're suuuuuuper uncomfortable and force me to wake myself up in a hurry, they're nothing like the ones I was having over the summer-- being raped or stalked or coerced or blackmailed or shot-- so that is a gigantic improvement.
I'm also trying something new (for me) this year. I hardly ever make resolutions, mostly because after a few months, they may not be valid anymore, and constantly updating them makes me feel like I'm failing, no matter the circumstances. Instead, I'm keeping a mason jar on my desk and filling it with the good things, big and small, that happen to me during the year. I'm not forcing myself to add something every single day, mostly because that feels like I'm trying too hard to make myself be happy all the damned time, and that doesn't work for me. Better to add them as they happen. The jar is already holding 5 or 6, and that's pretty good this early in the year.
The one big thing that's popping up occasionally is The Future, specifically if I still want to make this move to Cleveland, and if my original date is going to work. It's the first time I'll be completely supporting myself, in a city without immediate family or old friends close by, and many things will be up to me that haven't been before. I'm not expecting to move there and immediately get jobs in theater companies or get cast in an indie film, but I am building up some anxiety about the time frame those things should happen for me to consider this move a success. Sometimes I think all I can handle is a small life, where I don't take these risks and learn to accept what I have, but then again, I've done that almost all my life, and I'm not happy with that result. Basic logic tells me I need to do something different if I want a better outcome. It's just so scary right now. Reminding myself that all I ever need to do, every single day, is take things one step at a time, look at the easiest thing I can change, and go on from there... it certainly helps, but there are times when it feels like I'm putting it off rather than confronting my fears head on, balls out, guns blazing. I wish I was braver, or even reckless at times; who knows if that would have paid off more than what I've done up to now.
To be honest, all this is for another day. I'm getting some random opportunities coming up now, like Boys & Girls Club offering my a part time job so I could get paid for a few more hours there running their Performing Arts programs (which gets me both more money and something for both job & performance resumes), and a student from Big T (one of my mom's first group of favorite students) working on a photography project for a class and asked me to volunteer (which might get me some updated headshots if things go well). So for now, I only need to keep the frustration caused by fucking stupid customers out of my voice. I mean, these people don't know what numbers are, how the FUCK did they become doctors?! (It's been a dumb week.)
Therapy has been going really well, which is probably another reason I haven't written much of anything. With more BLS during our EMDR sessions, and with more practicing of all of my tools in between the sessions, I've been handling anything crazy coming up much faster and much better. We're getting into some long-standing and formative traumas, something that, were I not better prepared, would feel like a real battle, like I was constantly under attack from my own head. Surprisingly few nightmares, too. The one or two I've had in the last month were familiar, given that they were recycled from months or even years ago-- being so provoked by someone that I feel like trying to hurt or even kill them, even hitting them or getting my hands around their throat-- and while they're suuuuuuper uncomfortable and force me to wake myself up in a hurry, they're nothing like the ones I was having over the summer-- being raped or stalked or coerced or blackmailed or shot-- so that is a gigantic improvement.
I'm also trying something new (for me) this year. I hardly ever make resolutions, mostly because after a few months, they may not be valid anymore, and constantly updating them makes me feel like I'm failing, no matter the circumstances. Instead, I'm keeping a mason jar on my desk and filling it with the good things, big and small, that happen to me during the year. I'm not forcing myself to add something every single day, mostly because that feels like I'm trying too hard to make myself be happy all the damned time, and that doesn't work for me. Better to add them as they happen. The jar is already holding 5 or 6, and that's pretty good this early in the year.
The one big thing that's popping up occasionally is The Future, specifically if I still want to make this move to Cleveland, and if my original date is going to work. It's the first time I'll be completely supporting myself, in a city without immediate family or old friends close by, and many things will be up to me that haven't been before. I'm not expecting to move there and immediately get jobs in theater companies or get cast in an indie film, but I am building up some anxiety about the time frame those things should happen for me to consider this move a success. Sometimes I think all I can handle is a small life, where I don't take these risks and learn to accept what I have, but then again, I've done that almost all my life, and I'm not happy with that result. Basic logic tells me I need to do something different if I want a better outcome. It's just so scary right now. Reminding myself that all I ever need to do, every single day, is take things one step at a time, look at the easiest thing I can change, and go on from there... it certainly helps, but there are times when it feels like I'm putting it off rather than confronting my fears head on, balls out, guns blazing. I wish I was braver, or even reckless at times; who knows if that would have paid off more than what I've done up to now.
To be honest, all this is for another day. I'm getting some random opportunities coming up now, like Boys & Girls Club offering my a part time job so I could get paid for a few more hours there running their Performing Arts programs (which gets me both more money and something for both job & performance resumes), and a student from Big T (one of my mom's first group of favorite students) working on a photography project for a class and asked me to volunteer (which might get me some updated headshots if things go well). So for now, I only need to keep the frustration caused by fucking stupid customers out of my voice. I mean, these people don't know what numbers are, how the FUCK did they become doctors?! (It's been a dumb week.)
Wednesday, November 18, 2015
The BLS
New tool from therapy, yay!
I started doing the Bilateral Stimulation in one of my more recent sessions, and it's intense, but effective. It's tones in headphones and pulses from devices held in the hands that alternate left and right at whatever speed, intensity, and volume feels comfortable while recalling the initial traumatic event. (Obviously, there is a lot more that goes into these sessions, but those are the basics.) Last night, we were planning on working with another target, but other situations came up that needed more attention, so my therapist gave me another tool to use when I start getting into one particular OCD-like behavior: mentally punishing myself by remembering and then obsessing over mistakes or events that have been resolved.
It's simple enough in execution, and yet requires a lot of discipline to use it repeatedly to the point that it becomes beneficial long term. When some obsessive thought surfaces and becomes too difficult to deal with or get rid of, all I have to do is start tapping (I chose tapping the lateral sides of my knees with my fingers), alternating the taps just like the BLS, and once I feel like I've tapped long enough, I end with one of my other tools, my Safe Place, to reestablish the state of mind I would like to have. I've already started using it, and it's already proving effective, and hopefully more so the longer I practice it. As I was about to fall asleep, I kept beating myself up with one particular thought, and since I was so snuggled under my blankets, all I could reach (without moving my arms and losing precious warmth) was my head, so I started gently tapping at my temples, and sure enough, after a minute or so, I felt much better.
This will take sooooo much practice, as I learned (incorrectly) over many years that if I have a memory or a thought I can't let go, I deserve to be reminded of it and be punished by it and feel absolutely miserable for not being able to stop what my brain does to me. During last night's session, I found myself repeatedly talking about how, in my logic brain, I know that things take time to unlearn and the relearn, and that practicing is the only way to get better at things that I may not feel confident doing now, but all that sensible talk doesn't always hit home with me when I'm in an emotional place that feeds all the worst I believe about myself. Now that we're doing some genuine heavy lifting in our sessions (like we weren't doing that before...), it's going to take consistency on my part, but I know I'm capable of doing that.
I started doing the Bilateral Stimulation in one of my more recent sessions, and it's intense, but effective. It's tones in headphones and pulses from devices held in the hands that alternate left and right at whatever speed, intensity, and volume feels comfortable while recalling the initial traumatic event. (Obviously, there is a lot more that goes into these sessions, but those are the basics.) Last night, we were planning on working with another target, but other situations came up that needed more attention, so my therapist gave me another tool to use when I start getting into one particular OCD-like behavior: mentally punishing myself by remembering and then obsessing over mistakes or events that have been resolved.
It's simple enough in execution, and yet requires a lot of discipline to use it repeatedly to the point that it becomes beneficial long term. When some obsessive thought surfaces and becomes too difficult to deal with or get rid of, all I have to do is start tapping (I chose tapping the lateral sides of my knees with my fingers), alternating the taps just like the BLS, and once I feel like I've tapped long enough, I end with one of my other tools, my Safe Place, to reestablish the state of mind I would like to have. I've already started using it, and it's already proving effective, and hopefully more so the longer I practice it. As I was about to fall asleep, I kept beating myself up with one particular thought, and since I was so snuggled under my blankets, all I could reach (without moving my arms and losing precious warmth) was my head, so I started gently tapping at my temples, and sure enough, after a minute or so, I felt much better.
This will take sooooo much practice, as I learned (incorrectly) over many years that if I have a memory or a thought I can't let go, I deserve to be reminded of it and be punished by it and feel absolutely miserable for not being able to stop what my brain does to me. During last night's session, I found myself repeatedly talking about how, in my logic brain, I know that things take time to unlearn and the relearn, and that practicing is the only way to get better at things that I may not feel confident doing now, but all that sensible talk doesn't always hit home with me when I'm in an emotional place that feeds all the worst I believe about myself. Now that we're doing some genuine heavy lifting in our sessions (like we weren't doing that before...), it's going to take consistency on my part, but I know I'm capable of doing that.
Wednesday, November 11, 2015
I Just Decided To
I'm beyond exhausted with the amount of bad news and bullshit I am exposed to everyday (the fucking nonsense with Starbucks cups pushing me over the edge), so much so that there is no word for the level I have reached.
So I'm volunteering at Boys & Girls Club, starting tonight.
I miss the kids I was working with at Big T when I was doing their Fun Club program, of course, but to be fair, a lot of them are now in middle school, and I don't get done with work until 4:00pm which is when they would need to start, and until someone invents teleportation, I can't make it a half hour across town to make that happen. So now, I am going to be working with K-12 kids again, teaching theater and improv basics, maybe even doing something with vocal music in the future if my schedule will allow it (the county-wide coordinator is making a huge push for more performing arts activities, and the Loveland branch needs people for both theater and music), and I cannot wait!
It's easy to be sad and angry at everything, with depression or without. It's also easy to feel better. Don't get me wrong, I've been working my ASS off with my therapist to make it easier for me to feel good, and that's in addition to all the work I've put in since I was 14, but one thing I had to learn and work on is the concept that being happy can be easier than I believed it would be. And what makes it easier is helping other people. If you're fun and sincere and doing what you can to help, other people, especially kids, don't care about your faults. They don't know about your (perceived) failures, they don't hear all of the horrible things you say to or think about yourself, they don't worry about all of the drama in your own head. What matters to them is if you care enough to be there and are interested in their lives. Hell, most of the teachers I loved when I was growing up were the ones that made me laugh, or got me interested in something, or showed me how easy something was that at first glance seemed to be daunting, or made me excel in the areas I was already gifted. I know I have the ability to do that for other kids (said the 30 year old that still identifies herself as someone that needs adult supervision), and I have the opportunity and time to do that now that I have settled into a job with a comfortable routine to it. So if there are going to be depressing things in the world that just refuse to be resolved, then I am going to do what I can to make my corner of it happier.
The rest of the afternoon is going to be reviewing what I'd like to cover in my first class with 9-12th grade kids. I haven't worked with that age group in years, so I don't quite know what to expect, but I'm really hopeful that they'll pick things up quickly, and I won't have to spend most of my time feeling like I'm herding cats (which can happen with younger kids very easily).
So I'm volunteering at Boys & Girls Club, starting tonight.
I miss the kids I was working with at Big T when I was doing their Fun Club program, of course, but to be fair, a lot of them are now in middle school, and I don't get done with work until 4:00pm which is when they would need to start, and until someone invents teleportation, I can't make it a half hour across town to make that happen. So now, I am going to be working with K-12 kids again, teaching theater and improv basics, maybe even doing something with vocal music in the future if my schedule will allow it (the county-wide coordinator is making a huge push for more performing arts activities, and the Loveland branch needs people for both theater and music), and I cannot wait!
It's easy to be sad and angry at everything, with depression or without. It's also easy to feel better. Don't get me wrong, I've been working my ASS off with my therapist to make it easier for me to feel good, and that's in addition to all the work I've put in since I was 14, but one thing I had to learn and work on is the concept that being happy can be easier than I believed it would be. And what makes it easier is helping other people. If you're fun and sincere and doing what you can to help, other people, especially kids, don't care about your faults. They don't know about your (perceived) failures, they don't hear all of the horrible things you say to or think about yourself, they don't worry about all of the drama in your own head. What matters to them is if you care enough to be there and are interested in their lives. Hell, most of the teachers I loved when I was growing up were the ones that made me laugh, or got me interested in something, or showed me how easy something was that at first glance seemed to be daunting, or made me excel in the areas I was already gifted. I know I have the ability to do that for other kids (said the 30 year old that still identifies herself as someone that needs adult supervision), and I have the opportunity and time to do that now that I have settled into a job with a comfortable routine to it. So if there are going to be depressing things in the world that just refuse to be resolved, then I am going to do what I can to make my corner of it happier.
The rest of the afternoon is going to be reviewing what I'd like to cover in my first class with 9-12th grade kids. I haven't worked with that age group in years, so I don't quite know what to expect, but I'm really hopeful that they'll pick things up quickly, and I won't have to spend most of my time feeling like I'm herding cats (which can happen with younger kids very easily).
Monday, November 2, 2015
Anxiety Is Just So Damn Stupid
November, and a quiet weekend for Halloween, and that's all very appreciated, especially yesterday, a day that was devoted to eating a lot while lounging in my pajamas and watching a NatGeo marathon of Cosmos, then ending by doing yoga for the first time in months (new yoga mat, as my old one was getting pretty torn up, and it never felt very stable, even after washing it several times to get a better grip). But then... the morning comes.
Let it be known that I actually don't mind Mondays. It's Tuesdays that are the real bitch of the week, because by this time, you've committed to your week, but you still have most of the week to get through, making the most previous weekend seem much further away without the hope of the coming weekend to soften the blow. But this morning, for a few different reasons, I was having a very hard time getting to work and then beginning what needed to get done right away. Why? Because I'm coming up to the end of the hours I was contracted for through the temp agency, meaning that I will soon be in a position to be hired by this company and keep the job I've had since July, something that has been enormously beneficial and stable for me, or I will not be hired and have to go back to square one looking for a new job. The biggest reason behind the anxiety is that while I've had some complaints, I've also had a lot of compliments and have been making changes to ensure that I don't get the same complaints coming up again. Beyond that, there is little I can do to influence the people that are making the decision of keeping me on staff. So that bothers me. I don't want to be an alarmist and call my rep at the temp agency and say "we need to start looking for new stuff right now so I don't lose any time or money", but wouldn't it be a good dose of caution to do that, just to give myself some peace of mind knowing that I've covered my bases? Thing is, that forces me to confront the possibility of a difficult next few months (especially around the rapidly approaching winter and holiday season) at a time when I want to stay in the groove that I'm in because I know it's leading to some good results and, if I stay on track, will allow me a lot of opportunities this coming summer, when I'm looking to move to Cleveland and start working towards my next career goal(s). I don't want to deviate from something that is stable. That's taking a sledgehammer to the base of my hierarchy of needs and not only knocking it out of place, but proceeding to smash it into little teeny tiny pieces.
Here are some good things: I've been taking on more responsibilities, like checking and answering voice mails, filling backorders, sorting through paperwork for new customers, and mailing out invoices every morning. Logically, that tells me that I fit in well, and since I'm doing all of these things well, that lets my bosses know I can take on more tasks and complete them well too. We have another person answering phones, and he's doing a good job, and I've been able to help him, knowing that he is taking a lot of burden off of me. The higher ups are hiring a new accountant for the office, too, which will also make things easier for me, and reduce the likeliness of me being so stressed that I make the same mistakes that piss off people on the phone.
Here are the bad things: I have no confidence that I'm considered valuable here, mostly because I've been in work situations before where I was not valued and instead was considered disposable, and lost the job. Because I have made some mistakes that I couldn't correct right away, coming from customers rather than from coworkers that could then help me, I don't know if that's going to count against me or not, and I am spooked. Customers have gotten me fired before. Not to mention that they're looking to hire a new full time accountant, which is probably a bigger cost for them, so why would they also want to hire another person? I don't exactly know or understand how their agreement with temp agencies works, but what if this becomes a factor, that hiring a more important position full time affects whether or not they'll be able to afford me too?
After a crazy morning (the good crazy, the busy crazy that distracts me and focuses me and allows me to demonstrate how good I've become at this job), I now have the potential for a slower afternoon, and hopefully I'll be able to read or Colorfy off and on for the next few hours and stay in a good head space. By the end of the week, though, I may be pulling out my hair.
Let it be known that I actually don't mind Mondays. It's Tuesdays that are the real bitch of the week, because by this time, you've committed to your week, but you still have most of the week to get through, making the most previous weekend seem much further away without the hope of the coming weekend to soften the blow. But this morning, for a few different reasons, I was having a very hard time getting to work and then beginning what needed to get done right away. Why? Because I'm coming up to the end of the hours I was contracted for through the temp agency, meaning that I will soon be in a position to be hired by this company and keep the job I've had since July, something that has been enormously beneficial and stable for me, or I will not be hired and have to go back to square one looking for a new job. The biggest reason behind the anxiety is that while I've had some complaints, I've also had a lot of compliments and have been making changes to ensure that I don't get the same complaints coming up again. Beyond that, there is little I can do to influence the people that are making the decision of keeping me on staff. So that bothers me. I don't want to be an alarmist and call my rep at the temp agency and say "we need to start looking for new stuff right now so I don't lose any time or money", but wouldn't it be a good dose of caution to do that, just to give myself some peace of mind knowing that I've covered my bases? Thing is, that forces me to confront the possibility of a difficult next few months (especially around the rapidly approaching winter and holiday season) at a time when I want to stay in the groove that I'm in because I know it's leading to some good results and, if I stay on track, will allow me a lot of opportunities this coming summer, when I'm looking to move to Cleveland and start working towards my next career goal(s). I don't want to deviate from something that is stable. That's taking a sledgehammer to the base of my hierarchy of needs and not only knocking it out of place, but proceeding to smash it into little teeny tiny pieces.
Here are some good things: I've been taking on more responsibilities, like checking and answering voice mails, filling backorders, sorting through paperwork for new customers, and mailing out invoices every morning. Logically, that tells me that I fit in well, and since I'm doing all of these things well, that lets my bosses know I can take on more tasks and complete them well too. We have another person answering phones, and he's doing a good job, and I've been able to help him, knowing that he is taking a lot of burden off of me. The higher ups are hiring a new accountant for the office, too, which will also make things easier for me, and reduce the likeliness of me being so stressed that I make the same mistakes that piss off people on the phone.
Here are the bad things: I have no confidence that I'm considered valuable here, mostly because I've been in work situations before where I was not valued and instead was considered disposable, and lost the job. Because I have made some mistakes that I couldn't correct right away, coming from customers rather than from coworkers that could then help me, I don't know if that's going to count against me or not, and I am spooked. Customers have gotten me fired before. Not to mention that they're looking to hire a new full time accountant, which is probably a bigger cost for them, so why would they also want to hire another person? I don't exactly know or understand how their agreement with temp agencies works, but what if this becomes a factor, that hiring a more important position full time affects whether or not they'll be able to afford me too?
After a crazy morning (the good crazy, the busy crazy that distracts me and focuses me and allows me to demonstrate how good I've become at this job), I now have the potential for a slower afternoon, and hopefully I'll be able to read or Colorfy off and on for the next few hours and stay in a good head space. By the end of the week, though, I may be pulling out my hair.
Friday, October 23, 2015
Getting Dangerously Close To "Hulk Smash" Mode
Lately, everywhere I turn, I see something that makes me angry on a profound level. Believe me when I say that I do not like feeling angry, because in my experience, it leads to feelings of frustration and idleness and impotence, and those are all soooooo much worse than anger by itself. It's everything from personal issues to political issues (AFP is trying to buy the local school board election here, and it's making this town a little crazy) to moral issues, and I'm starting to feel like my entire day is marinating in anger.
I don't have a problem with anger if it motivates one to do something good in response. It's a helpful tool when it's used correctly. But that's not what's happening here. It's mostly leading to me sitting and stewing and not getting any better. (Side note: after looking at what I had written, I decided to take a little timeout and look at the Boys & Girls Club that is right down the street from my house, and within a half hour, I checked out the programs they have, the volunteering options, and sent an email to the coordinator asking a few questions about the hours they'd have available. Suck it, Crap Feelings!)
So. How to deal with the remaining anger that centers around the ever present issue of not being able to change things I would really like to change, and in many cases, believe I can and should change. Last night, after a rough afternoon at work coupled with a fifteen minute drive home that took me a half hour on a full bladder, I was sooooo tempted to go to the liquor store and buy a massive bottle of wine with which to drown my sorrows, but that impulse was fleeting, and easy to dismiss once I realized that my problems would still be there once I had finished a drink, only now there would be an additional worry of whether or not I was developing an addiction-- using a substance to drown out a problem is never healthy, no matter the substance. I got home and vented a little, and then voluntarily secluded myself to get a little quiet in my head and in my surroundings. After a few hours of reading and a mug of warm coconut milk, I felt much better, and was less likely to look around for insignificant things to break with my hands to release frustration, a trick I used for moments of extreme distress. Those candlesticks never knew what killed 'em.
Today, with cool and damp weather, and better sleep the night before, I am going all out in terms of comfort. Warm fleece, hot tea, a book, a journal entry, beef stew for lunch, payday this morning, and a slow day means I can be comfortable and quiet, and enjoy being in my head rather than wishing I could either drain away the painful thoughts or else extract my brain from its surrounding mess. It's a daily exercise, to remind myself of what I have (physically and otherwise) to work with, and what I don't need to keep in the foreground, but it's one that is getting easier after months, hell, years of practice. And the methods I have now for leveling out don't feel like putting a band-aid on a broken leg, or like a patronizing adult talking to an upset three year old.
I'm going to go back to reading for a bit, maybe even lose time in my Colorfy app. Need for venting, fulfilled.
I don't have a problem with anger if it motivates one to do something good in response. It's a helpful tool when it's used correctly. But that's not what's happening here. It's mostly leading to me sitting and stewing and not getting any better. (Side note: after looking at what I had written, I decided to take a little timeout and look at the Boys & Girls Club that is right down the street from my house, and within a half hour, I checked out the programs they have, the volunteering options, and sent an email to the coordinator asking a few questions about the hours they'd have available. Suck it, Crap Feelings!)
So. How to deal with the remaining anger that centers around the ever present issue of not being able to change things I would really like to change, and in many cases, believe I can and should change. Last night, after a rough afternoon at work coupled with a fifteen minute drive home that took me a half hour on a full bladder, I was sooooo tempted to go to the liquor store and buy a massive bottle of wine with which to drown my sorrows, but that impulse was fleeting, and easy to dismiss once I realized that my problems would still be there once I had finished a drink, only now there would be an additional worry of whether or not I was developing an addiction-- using a substance to drown out a problem is never healthy, no matter the substance. I got home and vented a little, and then voluntarily secluded myself to get a little quiet in my head and in my surroundings. After a few hours of reading and a mug of warm coconut milk, I felt much better, and was less likely to look around for insignificant things to break with my hands to release frustration, a trick I used for moments of extreme distress. Those candlesticks never knew what killed 'em.
Today, with cool and damp weather, and better sleep the night before, I am going all out in terms of comfort. Warm fleece, hot tea, a book, a journal entry, beef stew for lunch, payday this morning, and a slow day means I can be comfortable and quiet, and enjoy being in my head rather than wishing I could either drain away the painful thoughts or else extract my brain from its surrounding mess. It's a daily exercise, to remind myself of what I have (physically and otherwise) to work with, and what I don't need to keep in the foreground, but it's one that is getting easier after months, hell, years of practice. And the methods I have now for leveling out don't feel like putting a band-aid on a broken leg, or like a patronizing adult talking to an upset three year old.
I'm going to go back to reading for a bit, maybe even lose time in my Colorfy app. Need for venting, fulfilled.
Monday, October 19, 2015
Quick Scribble Of Anxiety
Friday afternoon, as the work day was drawing to a close, I was convinced I would not have a job on Monday (today). During the week, I'd made a few errors and had another rude customer complain, though she at least had the courtesy to complain to me and not call back later and complain about me. I told my boss about all of these issues and took responsibility for them, but I still felt like I was on thin ice, so the whole of this weekend was me trying everything to keep my mind from worrying about things I couldn't influence at the time, and most importantly, trying to keep my thought patterns from escalating into the classics I have indulged for far too long: I am such a screw up; if I can't hold down a stupid job that doesn't fulfill me on all fronts then how will I be able to get the career I want when it's go time; I don't have any way of changing my situation or my environment and I should just give up rather than soldier on for another 60-70 years; how did I get like this?!
Looking at my weekend, I did a decent job of staying at a healthy level of concern, but as Sunday night approached and then shifted into Monday early morning, I felt my nerves ratchet right up. I woke myself up about five times last night/this morning because of dreams that were about to turn into nightmares, and when I sensed them coming on, I forced myself into waking up so I didn't have to record more awful memories of feeling frightened and/or powerless. As it was, the dreams I had were intense, and not at all what I was expecting, given that much of my weekend was devoted to full Harry Potter immersion; I mean, a nice romp through the Forbidden Forrest would not have been the worst dream ever, and would certainly have topped stealing a mob boss's golden Lab via air extraction and stripping the shells off of baby bird eggs. So I am tired this morning, and that doesn't help me maintain a feeling of confidence or calm.
I'm planning on using my container a lot today, reminding myself that I have a right to tuck away the things that are causing me distress and focus on the good, and I hope that by the end of the day, I'll have reason to think of the container technique in the future and know that it helps. It would be nice to associate these techniques with evidence of healing.
Looking at my weekend, I did a decent job of staying at a healthy level of concern, but as Sunday night approached and then shifted into Monday early morning, I felt my nerves ratchet right up. I woke myself up about five times last night/this morning because of dreams that were about to turn into nightmares, and when I sensed them coming on, I forced myself into waking up so I didn't have to record more awful memories of feeling frightened and/or powerless. As it was, the dreams I had were intense, and not at all what I was expecting, given that much of my weekend was devoted to full Harry Potter immersion; I mean, a nice romp through the Forbidden Forrest would not have been the worst dream ever, and would certainly have topped stealing a mob boss's golden Lab via air extraction and stripping the shells off of baby bird eggs. So I am tired this morning, and that doesn't help me maintain a feeling of confidence or calm.
I'm planning on using my container a lot today, reminding myself that I have a right to tuck away the things that are causing me distress and focus on the good, and I hope that by the end of the day, I'll have reason to think of the container technique in the future and know that it helps. It would be nice to associate these techniques with evidence of healing.
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