Lately, everywhere I turn, I see something that makes me angry on a profound level. Believe me when I say that I do not like feeling angry, because in my experience, it leads to feelings of frustration and idleness and impotence, and those are all soooooo much worse than anger by itself. It's everything from personal issues to political issues (AFP is trying to buy the local school board election here, and it's making this town a little crazy) to moral issues, and I'm starting to feel like my entire day is marinating in anger.
I don't have a problem with anger if it motivates one to do something good in response. It's a helpful tool when it's used correctly. But that's not what's happening here. It's mostly leading to me sitting and stewing and not getting any better. (Side note: after looking at what I had written, I decided to take a little timeout and look at the Boys & Girls Club that is right down the street from my house, and within a half hour, I checked out the programs they have, the volunteering options, and sent an email to the coordinator asking a few questions about the hours they'd have available. Suck it, Crap Feelings!)
So. How to deal with the remaining anger that centers around the ever present issue of not being able to change things I would really like to change, and in many cases, believe I can and should change. Last night, after a rough afternoon at work coupled with a fifteen minute drive home that took me a half hour on a full bladder, I was sooooo tempted to go to the liquor store and buy a massive bottle of wine with which to drown my sorrows, but that impulse was fleeting, and easy to dismiss once I realized that my problems would still be there once I had finished a drink, only now there would be an additional worry of whether or not I was developing an addiction-- using a substance to drown out a problem is never healthy, no matter the substance. I got home and vented a little, and then voluntarily secluded myself to get a little quiet in my head and in my surroundings. After a few hours of reading and a mug of warm coconut milk, I felt much better, and was less likely to look around for insignificant things to break with my hands to release frustration, a trick I used for moments of extreme distress. Those candlesticks never knew what killed 'em.
Today, with cool and damp weather, and better sleep the night before, I am going all out in terms of comfort. Warm fleece, hot tea, a book, a journal entry, beef stew for lunch, payday this morning, and a slow day means I can be comfortable and quiet, and enjoy being in my head rather than wishing I could either drain away the painful thoughts or else extract my brain from its surrounding mess. It's a daily exercise, to remind myself of what I have (physically and otherwise) to work with, and what I don't need to keep in the foreground, but it's one that is getting easier after months, hell, years of practice. And the methods I have now for leveling out don't feel like putting a band-aid on a broken leg, or like a patronizing adult talking to an upset three year old.
I'm going to go back to reading for a bit, maybe even lose time in my Colorfy app. Need for venting, fulfilled.
Friday, October 23, 2015
Monday, October 19, 2015
Quick Scribble Of Anxiety
Friday afternoon, as the work day was drawing to a close, I was convinced I would not have a job on Monday (today). During the week, I'd made a few errors and had another rude customer complain, though she at least had the courtesy to complain to me and not call back later and complain about me. I told my boss about all of these issues and took responsibility for them, but I still felt like I was on thin ice, so the whole of this weekend was me trying everything to keep my mind from worrying about things I couldn't influence at the time, and most importantly, trying to keep my thought patterns from escalating into the classics I have indulged for far too long: I am such a screw up; if I can't hold down a stupid job that doesn't fulfill me on all fronts then how will I be able to get the career I want when it's go time; I don't have any way of changing my situation or my environment and I should just give up rather than soldier on for another 60-70 years; how did I get like this?!
Looking at my weekend, I did a decent job of staying at a healthy level of concern, but as Sunday night approached and then shifted into Monday early morning, I felt my nerves ratchet right up. I woke myself up about five times last night/this morning because of dreams that were about to turn into nightmares, and when I sensed them coming on, I forced myself into waking up so I didn't have to record more awful memories of feeling frightened and/or powerless. As it was, the dreams I had were intense, and not at all what I was expecting, given that much of my weekend was devoted to full Harry Potter immersion; I mean, a nice romp through the Forbidden Forrest would not have been the worst dream ever, and would certainly have topped stealing a mob boss's golden Lab via air extraction and stripping the shells off of baby bird eggs. So I am tired this morning, and that doesn't help me maintain a feeling of confidence or calm.
I'm planning on using my container a lot today, reminding myself that I have a right to tuck away the things that are causing me distress and focus on the good, and I hope that by the end of the day, I'll have reason to think of the container technique in the future and know that it helps. It would be nice to associate these techniques with evidence of healing.
Looking at my weekend, I did a decent job of staying at a healthy level of concern, but as Sunday night approached and then shifted into Monday early morning, I felt my nerves ratchet right up. I woke myself up about five times last night/this morning because of dreams that were about to turn into nightmares, and when I sensed them coming on, I forced myself into waking up so I didn't have to record more awful memories of feeling frightened and/or powerless. As it was, the dreams I had were intense, and not at all what I was expecting, given that much of my weekend was devoted to full Harry Potter immersion; I mean, a nice romp through the Forbidden Forrest would not have been the worst dream ever, and would certainly have topped stealing a mob boss's golden Lab via air extraction and stripping the shells off of baby bird eggs. So I am tired this morning, and that doesn't help me maintain a feeling of confidence or calm.
I'm planning on using my container a lot today, reminding myself that I have a right to tuck away the things that are causing me distress and focus on the good, and I hope that by the end of the day, I'll have reason to think of the container technique in the future and know that it helps. It would be nice to associate these techniques with evidence of healing.
Monday, October 12, 2015
Monday
Working out again. Finally. I think it's been around a month since I've done anything active at all, and I've been noticing how different things feel when I'm not even doing a round or two of Tabata. I mean, come on, that's about 4-8 minutes out of my 24 hours, I should be able to sneak that in once a day... but with a handful of different factors in play, I can certainly understand why I haven't wanted to do anything for so long. So it was a round of ab work followed by another round of full body, all body weight resistance exercises so I wouldn't have to use a leaking sandbag on my freshly vacuumed carpet. My goal this week is to do something every single day, and not to push myself, but to get back into a habit. By the end of four weeks, I would like to have lost about 4-5 pounds (which is completely reasonable and doable), and would like many of my clothes to fit better-- I was putting away summer things last night, and have so many cute thermals and sweaters that would fit better if I wasn't carrying extra weight I don't need. I'm most comfortable somewhere around the mid 130s, and that's going to take some time to get back to, but it should be a fun process-- it is so satisfying getting stronger and leaner and faster and better, and it will pay off in the mental health department, too.
Still doing some target formation with therapy, laying groundwork for the more intensive portion of EMDR coming up. We hit the motherload in my last session, and combining the emotional effort it took to get through it with the mental fatigue from an early appointment on a Saturday after a long week, I was wiped out at the end of one hour. Fortunately, I had literally nothing that needed to get done that day, so when I finished my usual grocery shopping and got laundry done, I felt way ahead of the curve. My sleep schedule is getting back to normal without taking melatonin, and it helps that I have a finite amount of time for sleep five days a week, so it's keeping me going to bed (maybe not falling asleep, but committing to the time) consistently. I've changed my alarm to 6:00am so I have an extra fifteen minutes to squeeze in a workout, and once the weather starts including... *gulps* snow... I'll still have time to get my car cleaned off and warmed up and ready to go without being late.
It got nutsy busy in here for about an hour, and it'll get busier in a few minutes, so I'm gonna call this one. I'll end by saying that I am practicing all of the techniques we've been working on in my sessions, and they're helping so much. My therapist was saying that a good judge of how well they're working is the emotional turn-around time. Mostly, I've been in the five-ten minute range, and compared to hours, days, weeks, even months of getting stuck in a funk, that is HUGE improvement for me. I like the idea of having a turn-around time that is so fast (with the proviso that it is healthy for me) that I don't even recognize it as being a situation that could have generated a funk. Something to work towards.
Still doing some target formation with therapy, laying groundwork for the more intensive portion of EMDR coming up. We hit the motherload in my last session, and combining the emotional effort it took to get through it with the mental fatigue from an early appointment on a Saturday after a long week, I was wiped out at the end of one hour. Fortunately, I had literally nothing that needed to get done that day, so when I finished my usual grocery shopping and got laundry done, I felt way ahead of the curve. My sleep schedule is getting back to normal without taking melatonin, and it helps that I have a finite amount of time for sleep five days a week, so it's keeping me going to bed (maybe not falling asleep, but committing to the time) consistently. I've changed my alarm to 6:00am so I have an extra fifteen minutes to squeeze in a workout, and once the weather starts including... *gulps* snow... I'll still have time to get my car cleaned off and warmed up and ready to go without being late.
It got nutsy busy in here for about an hour, and it'll get busier in a few minutes, so I'm gonna call this one. I'll end by saying that I am practicing all of the techniques we've been working on in my sessions, and they're helping so much. My therapist was saying that a good judge of how well they're working is the emotional turn-around time. Mostly, I've been in the five-ten minute range, and compared to hours, days, weeks, even months of getting stuck in a funk, that is HUGE improvement for me. I like the idea of having a turn-around time that is so fast (with the proviso that it is healthy for me) that I don't even recognize it as being a situation that could have generated a funk. Something to work towards.
Thursday, October 8, 2015
*A Scream Of Frustration*
I really have no idea why I'm choosing to write now, because it's been so batshit crazy at work that getting started on an entry is only going to lead to more frustration since I won't be able to get through this quickly at all without being interrupted... phone call... and I don't know if not being able to focus on one thing is going to help me feel any better. It's becoming more and more obvious that the tempo at this job has changed since I was hired in the middle of the summer... phone call... and another phone call... and we are in desperate need of more help. Three people are covering the tasks one person had, and it's forcing everyone to change what they have to do during the day. There are times I can't even ask a question because everyone is so swamped... phone call... plus a few more for 20 minutes... and another... and another three... see? This is what it's been like for too long, and while I'm used to writing an entry over the course of a couple hours (I read and reread and read it some more before I save), this is nutsy. Anyway, finishing my thought... phone call FUCK!!!!... I can't ask questions sometimes because no one is able to answer me, making it harder for me to finish things with customers when they're on the phone and pressed for time too. And then I get even more frustrated, and that's not good for anybody.
That one paragraph took me over an hour to write. That's how crazy things are here. And they don't need to be. We need at least one more person, either to answer phones with me, or to take over the accounting department so three other people are freed up a little more. I don't know why it's taking so long to get someone hired, and I'm sure there are a multitude of reasons, but we're all losing it, and the faster we can get someone, the better.
I started writing because I was feeling a panic attack on a very low simmer for a while... phone call... (mercifully, a short one that goes to someone else)... and did not want to keep it fueled. Even with all the interruptions, this did help, because at the very least, it's nice to see a record of the chaos at work that's causing my anxiety. I'm not feeling blech without cause, and that's good to know, especially since I'm prone to feeling blech for no fucking reason at all.
It's just about lunch time and I need food like a son-of-a-bitch, so done here and off to eat.
Wait... one more thing... today's music in the office is Muzak versions of crap, so right now, I'm listening to an even worse version of a song by Chicago. I think I'll pass on lunch and just eat my own ears instead.
That one paragraph took me over an hour to write. That's how crazy things are here. And they don't need to be. We need at least one more person, either to answer phones with me, or to take over the accounting department so three other people are freed up a little more. I don't know why it's taking so long to get someone hired, and I'm sure there are a multitude of reasons, but we're all losing it, and the faster we can get someone, the better.
I started writing because I was feeling a panic attack on a very low simmer for a while... phone call... (mercifully, a short one that goes to someone else)... and did not want to keep it fueled. Even with all the interruptions, this did help, because at the very least, it's nice to see a record of the chaos at work that's causing my anxiety. I'm not feeling blech without cause, and that's good to know, especially since I'm prone to feeling blech for no fucking reason at all.
It's just about lunch time and I need food like a son-of-a-bitch, so done here and off to eat.
Wait... one more thing... today's music in the office is Muzak versions of crap, so right now, I'm listening to an even worse version of a song by Chicago. I think I'll pass on lunch and just eat my own ears instead.
Wednesday, October 7, 2015
Covered In Fog
Today is the kind of day that makes me want to call in sick (she writes while sitting at her desk at work), snuggle up with a down comforter, a warm puppy or two, a mug of tea, and watch movies all day after sleeping in for another two hours. If only sleeping was a safe place for my brain at the moment.
I've had nightmares for three or four days now, and they're incredibly vivid, ranging from things seeping or bursting out of my skin to being abused to life and death decisions. I don't know why exactly they're clumping up on me at the moment, because even though there's certainly a lot of frustration in my life right now, I feel like I am dealing with it more efficiently than I usually do. The tricks I've learned from my therapy sessions and have been incorporating into my day are helpful, and I have more stability than I've had in years. Of course, I'm still having the random shit day, which is to be expected after nearly three decades of learning particular behaviors and the discomfort (putting it mildly) of trying to unlearn them. So it doesn't really make sense to me, having this random bout of nightmares, especially ones that involve so much physical harm.
Anyway. Looking forward to my therapy session this weekend, and planning to be a little frivolous and pull a double feature at the movies afterwards; "The Martian" and "Steve Jobs" have been on my list for months, and if I can finagle it, I'm going to see them back to back on Saturday. We're getting into award-worthy movie months, and there's a lot of material worth seeing. I'm particularly excited about "Steve Jobs", true Sorkinophiliac that I am, even though I don't really see Michael Fassbender fitting the Steve Jobs look or persona. Don't get me wrong... he fi-ine, but I don't really see "tech magnate" when I look at him... I see "fine-ass pimp, looking all 70s in X-Men"... sorry, wiping away drool. I will be happy to be proven wrong after seeing the movie, but for now, I have a difficult time looking at Fassbender and seeing anything other than Magneto.
Fingers are crossed for a calmer day at work-- we've all been running on fumes, and it would be great if we could all get through a day where half of us didn't want to quite by the end of it. (That one sentence took my four times as long to write because I kept having to stop for phone calls. Yes, that's my job, but who the hell needs to conduct so much business before 9:00am? We sell supplements, we're not doing any stock trading here!)
I've had nightmares for three or four days now, and they're incredibly vivid, ranging from things seeping or bursting out of my skin to being abused to life and death decisions. I don't know why exactly they're clumping up on me at the moment, because even though there's certainly a lot of frustration in my life right now, I feel like I am dealing with it more efficiently than I usually do. The tricks I've learned from my therapy sessions and have been incorporating into my day are helpful, and I have more stability than I've had in years. Of course, I'm still having the random shit day, which is to be expected after nearly three decades of learning particular behaviors and the discomfort (putting it mildly) of trying to unlearn them. So it doesn't really make sense to me, having this random bout of nightmares, especially ones that involve so much physical harm.
Anyway. Looking forward to my therapy session this weekend, and planning to be a little frivolous and pull a double feature at the movies afterwards; "The Martian" and "Steve Jobs" have been on my list for months, and if I can finagle it, I'm going to see them back to back on Saturday. We're getting into award-worthy movie months, and there's a lot of material worth seeing. I'm particularly excited about "Steve Jobs", true Sorkinophiliac that I am, even though I don't really see Michael Fassbender fitting the Steve Jobs look or persona. Don't get me wrong... he fi-ine, but I don't really see "tech magnate" when I look at him... I see "fine-ass pimp, looking all 70s in X-Men"... sorry, wiping away drool. I will be happy to be proven wrong after seeing the movie, but for now, I have a difficult time looking at Fassbender and seeing anything other than Magneto.
Fingers are crossed for a calmer day at work-- we've all been running on fumes, and it would be great if we could all get through a day where half of us didn't want to quite by the end of it. (That one sentence took my four times as long to write because I kept having to stop for phone calls. Yes, that's my job, but who the hell needs to conduct so much business before 9:00am? We sell supplements, we're not doing any stock trading here!)
Tuesday, October 6, 2015
Tuesdays Suck
Yay. I'm getting complaints at work.
Apparently, I've been letting my frustration show when it comes to certain customers, because they've been sharing their unhappiness with me with my boss. And I've been in this situation before, where customer complaints have cost me my job. I'm not in a position to lose this job at all, and I really don't want to keep having this mistake bite me in the ass. So how do I move on from it?
First of all, I am not sugary sweet, and in fact, in the times I am, I get just as many complaints because people think I'm not sincere. I do wear my heart on my sleeve; it's the sometimes unfortunate byproduct of growing up as an actor. And combine that with depression and anxiety, and that makes for a volatile mix. I completely admit that. I know I'm a pain in the ass, and can be unyielding at the wrong times, and I know exactly where it comes from. If I feel like I don't know something and I should, or I feel like I don't know something and no one can help me, then I get angry at myself and the people not helping me, and some customers will think that it's directed at them. Yes, I'm an actor and can become different characters, but when I'm just me, I have a much harder time dictating my emotions.
Secondly, I've been in abusive relationships. Granted, they've not been destructive romantic relationships, but they have been every other kind: friendships, familial, business relationships. They've come up because I have a hard time standing up for myself. By default, I feel like everything is my fault or my mistake, and I have had people take advantage of that, effectively convincing me just how stupid I am and how badly I've screwed up or hurt them. I live my life on the defensive, and that's not healthy. Rather than try to think objectively about what I've done and if it did cause problems, I assume they're right and I am the mother of all failures and/or assholes. So now that I've been conditioned to be weak, when I try to stand up for myself, I can't do it very successfully. Instead of getting people to back off and admit that they're treating my unfairly, I put them in a position to feel victimized in return, and they take it from there. I'm also the lowest on the totem pole, and have pretty much no authority, so if the person I'm talking to isn't happy, there's always someone else for them to complain to. (This can be a good thing, in that if I can't keep myself calm, I can pass them along to someone else so I don't have to screw it up and it can be someone else's problem, but that's not been the atmosphere here because of how busy we've been.)
Third, we've been swamped here. I mean, crazy busy and short staffed and still trying to get this fucking system to stop being so buggy, and that has taken its toll on all of us. I am by no means the "rudest" person here, and in fact, I'm amazed I haven't heard customers complain about one person in particular, because she is hardly ever nice or polite to me, and hearing her conversations on the phone sometimes are just... whoa. The powers that be are looking for more help, especially for the one job that three people are trying to cover after the other person retired a few months ago. It's been months of trying to get all of our 4000+ customers to accept the fact that the way they're used to things being done for the last 15 years has changed, and when I have to repeat myself to the same person 4 or 5 times before they get it, I get so immensely frustrated. I like being able to fix things and finish things, and when I can't, I feel like I've done something wrong.
Fourth, and probably most important, I hate being misheard or not heard at all. I made a list after the first month here of all the names people thought were mine, and it was something like 10 different names that had only a passing similarity to my name. I have struggled with this issue (not being heard) in so many different areas of my life, and I have yet to figure out how to resolve it in any of them. I don't need to be the center of attention at all times, and if I was, I would not be able to deal with that very well. I do, however, need other people to acknowledge me as someone that matters. I have imbalanced self-esteem, and rely on the perceptions of others when I can't tell if I'm being fair with myself or not. I have a strong sense of self, am more self-aware than most, celebrate my strengths, and have rarely if ever given in to negative peer pressure. At the same time, I constantly battle feelings of inadequacy and worthlessness, and have a hard time identifying my faults in a constructive way where I'd be able to make changes for the better. So when I'm expressing myself in any way and am met with silence or ignored completely or run over, I lose it. This has been happening a lot at work, with customers that don't listen to me until they hear what they want to hear. That drives me absolutely bonkers, because it means I can't do my job, and they're even more unhappy, and I'm the one in trouble.
Most of the morning is over now, and I did make some changes to my tone and how I deal with some of the more complicated customers, but I still am scared because I have no control over how other react to me, and I can still get the fuzzy end of the lollipop if they decided to complain. I hate being in this position, feeling like I'm in a professional limbo, because in the past it has gotten out of control very quickly and ended very badly, and I don't want to have to go through that again if I know I can avoid it. I guess I'll have a lot to work on with my therapist this weekend.
Apparently, I've been letting my frustration show when it comes to certain customers, because they've been sharing their unhappiness with me with my boss. And I've been in this situation before, where customer complaints have cost me my job. I'm not in a position to lose this job at all, and I really don't want to keep having this mistake bite me in the ass. So how do I move on from it?
First of all, I am not sugary sweet, and in fact, in the times I am, I get just as many complaints because people think I'm not sincere. I do wear my heart on my sleeve; it's the sometimes unfortunate byproduct of growing up as an actor. And combine that with depression and anxiety, and that makes for a volatile mix. I completely admit that. I know I'm a pain in the ass, and can be unyielding at the wrong times, and I know exactly where it comes from. If I feel like I don't know something and I should, or I feel like I don't know something and no one can help me, then I get angry at myself and the people not helping me, and some customers will think that it's directed at them. Yes, I'm an actor and can become different characters, but when I'm just me, I have a much harder time dictating my emotions.
Secondly, I've been in abusive relationships. Granted, they've not been destructive romantic relationships, but they have been every other kind: friendships, familial, business relationships. They've come up because I have a hard time standing up for myself. By default, I feel like everything is my fault or my mistake, and I have had people take advantage of that, effectively convincing me just how stupid I am and how badly I've screwed up or hurt them. I live my life on the defensive, and that's not healthy. Rather than try to think objectively about what I've done and if it did cause problems, I assume they're right and I am the mother of all failures and/or assholes. So now that I've been conditioned to be weak, when I try to stand up for myself, I can't do it very successfully. Instead of getting people to back off and admit that they're treating my unfairly, I put them in a position to feel victimized in return, and they take it from there. I'm also the lowest on the totem pole, and have pretty much no authority, so if the person I'm talking to isn't happy, there's always someone else for them to complain to. (This can be a good thing, in that if I can't keep myself calm, I can pass them along to someone else so I don't have to screw it up and it can be someone else's problem, but that's not been the atmosphere here because of how busy we've been.)
Third, we've been swamped here. I mean, crazy busy and short staffed and still trying to get this fucking system to stop being so buggy, and that has taken its toll on all of us. I am by no means the "rudest" person here, and in fact, I'm amazed I haven't heard customers complain about one person in particular, because she is hardly ever nice or polite to me, and hearing her conversations on the phone sometimes are just... whoa. The powers that be are looking for more help, especially for the one job that three people are trying to cover after the other person retired a few months ago. It's been months of trying to get all of our 4000+ customers to accept the fact that the way they're used to things being done for the last 15 years has changed, and when I have to repeat myself to the same person 4 or 5 times before they get it, I get so immensely frustrated. I like being able to fix things and finish things, and when I can't, I feel like I've done something wrong.
Fourth, and probably most important, I hate being misheard or not heard at all. I made a list after the first month here of all the names people thought were mine, and it was something like 10 different names that had only a passing similarity to my name. I have struggled with this issue (not being heard) in so many different areas of my life, and I have yet to figure out how to resolve it in any of them. I don't need to be the center of attention at all times, and if I was, I would not be able to deal with that very well. I do, however, need other people to acknowledge me as someone that matters. I have imbalanced self-esteem, and rely on the perceptions of others when I can't tell if I'm being fair with myself or not. I have a strong sense of self, am more self-aware than most, celebrate my strengths, and have rarely if ever given in to negative peer pressure. At the same time, I constantly battle feelings of inadequacy and worthlessness, and have a hard time identifying my faults in a constructive way where I'd be able to make changes for the better. So when I'm expressing myself in any way and am met with silence or ignored completely or run over, I lose it. This has been happening a lot at work, with customers that don't listen to me until they hear what they want to hear. That drives me absolutely bonkers, because it means I can't do my job, and they're even more unhappy, and I'm the one in trouble.
Most of the morning is over now, and I did make some changes to my tone and how I deal with some of the more complicated customers, but I still am scared because I have no control over how other react to me, and I can still get the fuzzy end of the lollipop if they decided to complain. I hate being in this position, feeling like I'm in a professional limbo, because in the past it has gotten out of control very quickly and ended very badly, and I don't want to have to go through that again if I know I can avoid it. I guess I'll have a lot to work on with my therapist this weekend.
Thursday, October 1, 2015
Having A Bit Of A Day
Work has been a full week of eight hour insanity per day. After the big event a couple weekends ago, things settled down some, but this week was the end of the billing cycle, and that meant a lot of hustle trying to get all our information right before we asked people for money. This led to some small amount of chaos, and it didn't help that we were short-staffed for the first three days of the week, so there was a lot of work for fewer people to do. This is probably the first time in a while that I've had both the time and the desire to write out some of the crap that's also been circulating in my brain, giving this week an extra personal level of blech.
Lately, I've been recognizing beliefs and learned behaviors that are tied to old events and people, things that are not only bad for me, but flat out wrong. It's a big part of this new phase of treatment that my therapist and I are entering, and it's something I've been working towards and excited about getting to for a while now. That does mean, however, that we're stirring the pot, and the things that have been happily living on the sides are now entering the rest of the soup, and now... I have to deal with them. I'm noticing things I haven't really paid attention to for a long time, and they'll creep up randomly throughout the day, usually when I'm already stressed by work, sometimes when I'm relaxed and not really thinking about or doing anything. That's to be expected, sure, and it's a great opportunity to use these crisis management techniques (like the container and the safe place imagery and a few others), but it's also a bit wearing to feel like I have to be devoting some extra focus to my state of mind all the time, lest these stupid blips pop up and smack me into a bad place when my guard is down.
The biggest one, the one that is affecting me more than almost any other right now, is the belief that I have to do everything myself. That I am the only person that impacts the course of my life in any way. That if I fail, it is entirely my fault, and it is in no way a reflection of the actions (or lack thereof) of the people around me. That I should be helping others too, because I am inherently a selfish and bad person, and am only redeemable if other people say so. And it's exhausting, having to take point on all things. It would be one thing if I actually had that superpower of omniscience and would then be slightly more justified for believing I was responsible, not only for my well-being, but the well-being of others, but (as I have to keep reminding myself), I am not that influential. And that doesn't always help. What should be a reassuring statement gets twisted into something brutal and damaging: I have no power. I can't do anything, for me or for others, and I should really stop trying 'cause now it's getting a bit embarrassing. I am small, and weak, and insignificant, and may as well be standing under Niagara Falls and asking for it to go up for all the impact I have. It's amazing that one thing, the amount of power I have, can be so dramatically out of balance, and influence so much of who I am.
Alright. Work is almost over, and I really need to get some things done before I head home, so this'll be it for today. Thank god I have a therapy session on Saturday-- it is much needed.
Lately, I've been recognizing beliefs and learned behaviors that are tied to old events and people, things that are not only bad for me, but flat out wrong. It's a big part of this new phase of treatment that my therapist and I are entering, and it's something I've been working towards and excited about getting to for a while now. That does mean, however, that we're stirring the pot, and the things that have been happily living on the sides are now entering the rest of the soup, and now... I have to deal with them. I'm noticing things I haven't really paid attention to for a long time, and they'll creep up randomly throughout the day, usually when I'm already stressed by work, sometimes when I'm relaxed and not really thinking about or doing anything. That's to be expected, sure, and it's a great opportunity to use these crisis management techniques (like the container and the safe place imagery and a few others), but it's also a bit wearing to feel like I have to be devoting some extra focus to my state of mind all the time, lest these stupid blips pop up and smack me into a bad place when my guard is down.
The biggest one, the one that is affecting me more than almost any other right now, is the belief that I have to do everything myself. That I am the only person that impacts the course of my life in any way. That if I fail, it is entirely my fault, and it is in no way a reflection of the actions (or lack thereof) of the people around me. That I should be helping others too, because I am inherently a selfish and bad person, and am only redeemable if other people say so. And it's exhausting, having to take point on all things. It would be one thing if I actually had that superpower of omniscience and would then be slightly more justified for believing I was responsible, not only for my well-being, but the well-being of others, but (as I have to keep reminding myself), I am not that influential. And that doesn't always help. What should be a reassuring statement gets twisted into something brutal and damaging: I have no power. I can't do anything, for me or for others, and I should really stop trying 'cause now it's getting a bit embarrassing. I am small, and weak, and insignificant, and may as well be standing under Niagara Falls and asking for it to go up for all the impact I have. It's amazing that one thing, the amount of power I have, can be so dramatically out of balance, and influence so much of who I am.
Alright. Work is almost over, and I really need to get some things done before I head home, so this'll be it for today. Thank god I have a therapy session on Saturday-- it is much needed.
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