Uh, yeah, it's been forever since I've even thought about writing in here. That's what happens when you have Netflix playing all afternoon during a slow work day. Probably for the best, too, since getting too introspective during the holidays has been problematic for me in the past, and simply experiencing said holidays was a lot more enjoyable. I got to take some time off, I got a few nice gifts (like a big girl coloring book that is slowly absorbing all my time and causing kyphosis), and I got to see both of my brothers because of some flukes in schedules. The last time we were together was for our mom's 60th birthday, and my newest nephew, Toby, hadn't been born yet, so this time it was all brothers, all sisters-in-law, and all nieces and nephews for a couple days in Michigan. It was wonderful.
Therapy has been going really well, which is probably another reason I haven't written much of anything. With more BLS during our EMDR sessions, and with more practicing of all of my tools in between the sessions, I've been handling anything crazy coming up much faster and much better. We're getting into some long-standing and formative traumas, something that, were I not better prepared, would feel like a real battle, like I was constantly under attack from my own head. Surprisingly few nightmares, too. The one or two I've had in the last month were familiar, given that they were recycled from months or even years ago-- being so provoked by someone that I feel like trying to hurt or even kill them, even hitting them or getting my hands around their throat-- and while they're suuuuuuper uncomfortable and force me to wake myself up in a hurry, they're nothing like the ones I was having over the summer-- being raped or stalked or coerced or blackmailed or shot-- so that is a gigantic improvement.
I'm also trying something new (for me) this year. I hardly ever make resolutions, mostly because after a few months, they may not be valid anymore, and constantly updating them makes me feel like I'm failing, no matter the circumstances. Instead, I'm keeping a mason jar on my desk and filling it with the good things, big and small, that happen to me during the year. I'm not forcing myself to add something every single day, mostly because that feels like I'm trying too hard to make myself be happy all the damned time, and that doesn't work for me. Better to add them as they happen. The jar is already holding 5 or 6, and that's pretty good this early in the year.
The one big thing that's popping up occasionally is The Future, specifically if I still want to make this move to Cleveland, and if my original date is going to work. It's the first time I'll be completely supporting myself, in a city without immediate family or old friends close by, and many things will be up to me that haven't been before. I'm not expecting to move there and immediately get jobs in theater companies or get cast in an indie film, but I am building up some anxiety about the time frame those things should happen for me to consider this move a success. Sometimes I think all I can handle is a small life, where I don't take these risks and learn to accept what I have, but then again, I've done that almost all my life, and I'm not happy with that result. Basic logic tells me I need to do something different if I want a better outcome. It's just so scary right now. Reminding myself that all I ever need to do, every single day, is take things one step at a time, look at the easiest thing I can change, and go on from there... it certainly helps, but there are times when it feels like I'm putting it off rather than confronting my fears head on, balls out, guns blazing. I wish I was braver, or even reckless at times; who knows if that would have paid off more than what I've done up to now.
To be honest, all this is for another day. I'm getting some random opportunities coming up now, like Boys & Girls Club offering my a part time job so I could get paid for a few more hours there running their Performing Arts programs (which gets me both more money and something for both job & performance resumes), and a student from Big T (one of my mom's first group of favorite students) working on a photography project for a class and asked me to volunteer (which might get me some updated headshots if things go well). So for now, I only need to keep the frustration caused by fucking stupid customers out of my voice. I mean, these people don't know what numbers are, how the FUCK did they become doctors?! (It's been a dumb week.)
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