Lately, everywhere I turn, I see something that makes me angry on a profound level. Believe me when I say that I do not like feeling angry, because in my experience, it leads to feelings of frustration and idleness and impotence, and those are all soooooo much worse than anger by itself. It's everything from personal issues to political issues (AFP is trying to buy the local school board election here, and it's making this town a little crazy) to moral issues, and I'm starting to feel like my entire day is marinating in anger.
I don't have a problem with anger if it motivates one to do something good in response. It's a helpful tool when it's used correctly. But that's not what's happening here. It's mostly leading to me sitting and stewing and not getting any better. (Side note: after looking at what I had written, I decided to take a little timeout and look at the Boys & Girls Club that is right down the street from my house, and within a half hour, I checked out the programs they have, the volunteering options, and sent an email to the coordinator asking a few questions about the hours they'd have available. Suck it, Crap Feelings!)
So. How to deal with the remaining anger that centers around the ever present issue of not being able to change things I would really like to change, and in many cases, believe I can and should change. Last night, after a rough afternoon at work coupled with a fifteen minute drive home that took me a half hour on a full bladder, I was sooooo tempted to go to the liquor store and buy a massive bottle of wine with which to drown my sorrows, but that impulse was fleeting, and easy to dismiss once I realized that my problems would still be there once I had finished a drink, only now there would be an additional worry of whether or not I was developing an addiction-- using a substance to drown out a problem is never healthy, no matter the substance. I got home and vented a little, and then voluntarily secluded myself to get a little quiet in my head and in my surroundings. After a few hours of reading and a mug of warm coconut milk, I felt much better, and was less likely to look around for insignificant things to break with my hands to release frustration, a trick I used for moments of extreme distress. Those candlesticks never knew what killed 'em.
Today, with cool and damp weather, and better sleep the night before, I am going all out in terms of comfort. Warm fleece, hot tea, a book, a journal entry, beef stew for lunch, payday this morning, and a slow day means I can be comfortable and quiet, and enjoy being in my head rather than wishing I could either drain away the painful thoughts or else extract my brain from its surrounding mess. It's a daily exercise, to remind myself of what I have (physically and otherwise) to work with, and what I don't need to keep in the foreground, but it's one that is getting easier after months, hell, years of practice. And the methods I have now for leveling out don't feel like putting a band-aid on a broken leg, or like a patronizing adult talking to an upset three year old.
I'm going to go back to reading for a bit, maybe even lose time in my Colorfy app. Need for venting, fulfilled.
No comments:
Post a Comment