It's A Start

Okay. Here we go...

For most of my life, I have lived with Major Depressive Disorder, including and especially the times when I didn't even want to be alive. And somehow, I am still here. I have done medication, therapy, dietary changes, exercise, acupuncture, chiropractic, massage therapy, Reiki, and the occasional chocolate binge and movie marathon. Some days, though, I can find the virtue of the straightjacket and the padded walls-- I mean, what could be so bad with giving yourself a constant hug and being able to bounce around like a Weeble?

So why am I writing this blog? Because I need a different way to get some of this garbage out of my head. The therapist I'm working with right now is great, but his schedule is so tight that I rarely get in more than twice a month. I've been off medication successfully for almost a year, and supplementing with vitamin D, which has been marvelously helpful, but I feel like I've been plateauing for a few months. Therapy and regulating body chemistry have been steady forms of treatment for me since I was 14, and I know their benefits to be worth the time and the tears. I've been working out hard again, with lots of sprints and shin splints, and it feels good to tire out from something that's going to keep me healthy rather than tire out from pure mental exhaustion.

I plan to make this a consistent part of my day/week, so I'm going to end this entry and get back to my newly revamped book list. I will end with the thoughts I had while taking my dog to the dog park, right as I looked up and caught a rainbow to the east and a storm cell filled with lightning to the south: I want to matter. I want to feel loved by people I love. I want to feel like what I want to achieve with my life is not so audacious and impossible that I should regret even having the balls to want it. I want to work for the things I want, but not have to stand under Niagara Falls and beg it to go up in order for me to have my work pay off and last.

And I really want some ice cream. Oh, Phish Food, where are you...?