Now Look At Me Like You Love Me

Oh, "Will & Grace". Your brilliance in getting Michael Douglas dancing around like a loon and making moves on Will is highly appreciated after several hours of bad dreams. "Woof".

Alright. What's on for today? I can feel the sprints I did yesterday, that's for sure. Thank sweet merciful God for arnica gel and stretches. Beautiful summer weather means I will likely do another workout outside. That will provide much needed relief, because at some point I have to make two rather uncomfortable phone calls wherein I have to be immovable, and that's tough when my self-esteem is as strong as a building foundation made of Jell-o.

The past few nights have generated some intense nightmares that are hard to stop. I know that my brain has plenty of anger and disappointment stored in it, and at night those emotions are overflowing their bounds. During the day, I'm struggling with my job (or lately, lack thereof, since my boss isn't giving me any projects to work on), and I'm trying to figure out what the next step should be when my career goals are so far away from where I am now, they might as well be on Neptune. I'm also in the process of writing a letter to a family member that has had too much of a negative influence on me, but I know how this person responds to me, and the precaution of anticipating all the holes they'll poke into my arguments and the mistakes I've made in the past that will be thrown in my face out of self-defence are making this letter nearly impossible to write. Training a new dog is going well... right up to the moment that she sees a squirrel, and her leash slices skin out of my fingers. All of this emotional blech in my daylight hours translates to nightmares of having my car broken into and threatening the guy that did it with running him through with my umbrella while I try (and miserably fail) to call 911, or seeing a report that five friends from high school died in a terrorist attack on a plane flying to France, or being naked in a glass-walled bathroom while I'm yelled at and laughed at by the recipient of my letter project.

I have a therapy session next week, which is something I am really looking forward to because we're using a different technique called EMDR. It's become a good habit to remind myself of what's coming up and why variations in my life are better than stale repitition, and I find myself doing this several times a week. Far better than dwelling on the crap. The next phase in treatment will add a couple new tricks to sorting through painful subjects and changing my reactions to them.

For the remainder of the day, I am going to make some efforts to be tough. A fast-moving thunderstorm means my workout will have to be altered, but that's more than okay-- I have a hard time being bored with thunderstorms. Time to make those phone calls.