The Next Step

For me, a big part of having depression means constantly second guessing myself and feeling like a failure. I can get bogged down in a quagmire of doubt and self-loathing so quickly that I sometimes can't retrace the steps that got me into said quagmire in the first place.

I live in Colorado. I hate living in Colorado. I grew up in Michigan, and most of my family (myself included) is from Ohio, and many of my friends and extended family are still in that area. I've been trying to make good choices while living out here, but as of right now, every single one of them seems to have fallen apart, taking my confidence and self-esteem with them and shattering them into pieces of grit that could have been scattered anywhere by now. I'm at a point where I feel like I need to take a chance on myself and make a big change, most likely, a move; Colorado was a family decision, and this would be my own choice, something I should have done ten years ago. Trouble is, I have no idea how to do it. I'm scrambling for solutions, and that's making me feel even more terrible.

Over the last couple days, I've had conversations with a few family members about what I should do, but they dissolve into pointing out what's wrong with me or where I've made mistakes, and I end up feeling worse than ever. I am the first one to admit that I am harsher on myself than bleach on mold. My family is not any better. It might come from a place of love and concern, but it has never helped.

What I really want, and I ashamed to admit it, is money. Right now, money is freedom. I feel so trapped, and working the jobs that are available to me will only keep me stuck. I want enough to make an investment in my future.