Quick Scribble Of Anxiety

Friday afternoon, as the work day was drawing to a close, I was convinced I would not have a job on Monday (today). During the week, I'd made a few errors and had another rude customer complain, though she at least had the courtesy to complain to me and not call back later and complain about me. I told my boss about all of these issues and took responsibility for them, but I still felt like I was on thin ice, so the whole of this weekend was me trying everything to keep my mind from worrying about things I couldn't influence at the time, and most importantly, trying to keep my thought patterns from escalating into the classics I have indulged for far too long: I am such a screw up; if I can't hold down a stupid job that doesn't fulfill me on all fronts then how will I be able to get the career I want when it's go time; I don't have any way of changing my situation or my environment and I should just give up rather than soldier on for another 60-70 years; how did I get like this?!

Looking at my weekend, I did a decent job of staying at a healthy level of concern, but as Sunday night approached and then shifted into Monday early morning, I felt my nerves ratchet right up. I woke myself up about five times last night/this morning because of dreams that were about to turn into nightmares, and when I sensed them coming on, I forced myself into waking up so I didn't have to record more awful memories of feeling frightened and/or powerless. As it was, the dreams I had were intense, and not at all what I was expecting, given that much of my weekend was devoted to full Harry Potter immersion; I mean, a nice romp through the Forbidden Forrest would not have been the worst dream ever, and would certainly have topped stealing a mob boss's golden Lab via air extraction and stripping the shells off of baby bird eggs. So I am tired this morning, and that doesn't help me maintain a feeling of confidence or calm.

I'm planning on using my container a lot today, reminding myself that I have a right to tuck away the things that are causing me distress and focus on the good, and I hope that by the end of the day, I'll have reason to think of the container technique in the future and know that it helps. It would be nice to associate these techniques with evidence of healing.