A Rainy and Contemplative Morning

Just as I was brushing my newest dog outside, the gentle mist that tickled when it hit my skin became actual rain that brought our grooming session to an immediate end. Good thing was, she was pretty much cleaned up, and was happy to go back inside.

I'm spending much of today getting my house in order, in more ways than one. Since my brother and his fiance and their hyder-adorable baby boy are visiting in about a month, and it's the first time I will get to meet my new nephew, I'm cleaning up a bunch of spaces in the house that desperately need it. I had a job last year of cleaning RVs and mobile homes that were so disgusting, I'm amazed I was allowed to go into some of them without a hazmat suit. So if I don't have to clean at home, I won't, or I'll at least put it off for quite some time. There is no way that I could or would ever be as filthy as these former RV owners anyway, since I don't cook squirrel in my kitchen, or chain smoke in my bedroom, or throw mud around my house like I'm working on my interpretation of a Jackson Pollock.

Along with the literal sense of getting my house in order, I have a few money-related things to tend to today, like getting a freaking job already. I've been out of work since May, and it's taking its toll, that's for damned sure. The temp agency has good hopes for me, so I'll be chatting with my agent later. She is so reassuring, and very confident at a time when I could use all the confidence I can get my hands on. I have to call a company that still owes me money, too, contiuning an ordeal I've had with them for most of June. This is the really emotionally tricky area, because I immediately feel like a victim when I have to deal with them, something that does not bring out the good in me. It's a trait that has been tied tightly to my depression, feeling victimized. It can quickly spiral into much more dangerous mindsets, like trying to prove how much of a victim of my own life I am, and then trying to outdo anyone else that feels the same about their own lives. If Competitive Martyrdom was an Olyimpic event, I would have a few gold medals by now for sure.

I've had a good set of days, and all thanks to a lot of work and awareness. I allowed myself to eat some garbage I ordinarily would avoid as if it were Flambéed Plague (gluten and white sugar), I got my sleep schedule back to normal, and I've been active in shaping what will come next for me. Doesn't mean all my earthly woes are over, nor does it mean I should be on constant alert for the next disaster to come steaming in and sucker punch me in the solar plexus. Just have to keep taking things a day at a time. It's sometimes impossible to exist without mentally time-traveling to past or future events so that I can have a good fit about how much I suck, so I try to have a lot of patience for anyone else that has to remind themselves to live in The Now. This whole "being alive" thing is serious stuff, huh?