Light Stream

Yesterday, as part of preparing for EMDR sessions in the future, I learned another technique called "Light Stream". It's based of yogic principles of visualization and body awareness. As a Reiki master and someone with a sporadic relationship with yoga, this was relatively easy to do. The hard part is putting it into practice when it's most needed... in other words, when I'm down in the craplands and am having a miserable time trying to see a way out of them.

Case and point: today, I had an appointment with a temp agency that I have used before, only to discover that right now, there isn't anything that fits my skill set, and I'm going to have to wait a while before finding something. That brings up a WHOLE BUNCHA issues that follow me around anyway and tend to smack me in the face when I'm not paying attention to them. Worth, self-esteem, the direction my life is going, where I want my life to be already, finances, resources, time, failure... and before I know it, I want to crawl into bed, wrap myself in pounds of blankets, curl up, and cry until I fall asleep. What better time than to try this technique?

While in my car (admittedly not the best place to do this, since it requires more concentration that I'd be able to use while driving through a construction zone), I identified how my body was feeling as I was emotionally bludgeoning myself with all of these worries. I noticed how different muscles tensed or sagged, if places felt colder or hotter, and how my breathing felt. Then I pictured a warm and colored light (my favorite color and the color I associate the most with healing) entering me through the top of my head and covering me, filling areas that feel empty, smoothing rough or jagged spots, and helping me feel calmer and more steady.

At first glance, this might seem like avoidance. I make that argument because there are times I think that myself. "Well, since I can't deal with any of this, I might as well make myself feel happy for a little while." But truthfully, I struggle with being objective when it comes to my well-being. It can be hard to see the value of giving yourself a break and allowing for a few moments of calm and peace when your surrounding life is a mess. Are you letting yourself get used to a bad situation? Are you lying to yourself in the hopes that your pain will go away on its own? Are you right in giving yourself time to heal or distance from the problem to see it more accurately? Much of what motivates me is the need to be right or perfect, and it is torture. I have areas of my life where I can use that drive for my own betterment, but if I don't even have the chances to put that perfectionism in the right place, then it has to go somewhere, and that somewhere is usually one of my many fears and doubts about myself. Instead of perfectionism, I attack my ego until it is left as bloodied and raw as roadkill. And I think it's helpful. That's the worst part.

It is not wrong to give yourself permission to feel better. It is a good thing to want more peace in your brain when it normally looks like a battleground. This is a technique I will be practicing a lot, and I have confidence that it will help.