I am in a funk this morning, and for semi-justifiable reasons... but I really don't want to be so much of a crabby-pants, especially if it makes me start to feel like I'm creating more problems for myself than I need.
For starters, I spent most of the weekend trying to fix my Mac, culminating in nearly 6 hours on the phone with 4 different tech supports. Positives: it did get fixed, and for no charge since it took them so long to get it figured out. Negatives: that took 6 hours out of a Sunday I was hoping to use for other things, and it's never fun when one has a mini breakdown on the phone with a complete stranger. Because my Mac didn't start genuinely working until about 9:30 at night, it threw off everything I needed to finish before going to sleep, resulting in a bedtime of somewhere around 1:45am. And I woke up twice during the night, so I did not sleep well at all. I was very tempted to load up on yerba mate this morning and try to perk up some, but the inevitable caffeine crash would have destroyed me this afternoon.
The other thing that is causing me some mental blech is the number of immensely rude people I've had in the last 2+ days on the phone at work. I can tolerate some rudeness without problems; I have to remind myself that other people are going through their own things, and that sometimes me being a little extra nice is enough to change their tone and make them not only easier to talk to, but hopefully a little more cheerful for everyone else in their lives for the rest of the day. That's worth it for me. But I got an ass-chewing last Friday morning by someone who I'm fairly certain, based on my limited interaction with her, is a troll that lives under a bridge and steals children that pass by on the surface... or possibly a banshee that found a new frequency for her vocal chords to use to get her way without destroying the listener's eardrums. (She really was quite a heinous person to talk to.) After such an insane week with most of the bullpen staff taking personal days for some pretty intense emergencies (funerals and ER visits and lingering colds, none of them related) and only being staffed with half of the usual crowd to get through the same amount of work, and after spending a week with my computer rebooting at all hours of the day and night (especially night) and me being drastically sleep deprived, I was hoping that Friday would have been much more of a laid back, carefree day. The afternoon eventually settled down, but I was amazed I made it through, being so tired that I could barely blink without feeling the weight of my eyelids increase to about 1000 pounds. Then this morning, my very first call of the day was a totally different grumpy pants children's book villain, perhaps an ogre that crushes the bones of her victims for her morning protein shake. I expect Monday's to be busier days based on common sense and past experience, and I am completely aware that most people hate Mondays with the heat of a thousand suns, but I do not need to have some total ass-hat complaining to me as my first call of the day/week.
Of course, now that I am starting feel like this job is a good fit for me and I am expecting to stay here for at least one year before I reevaluate and execute my next step, and of course, now that I am enjoying regular money coming in and am able to pay off a lot of things and get caught up on so many basic needs I've put off for years, I am developing so many of my previous job-related neuroses again. It's fear-based stuff that really fucked with me in the last two or three jobs I had that I had cared about, and it's really hard to let go of it or attempt to retrain my brain to deal with it more effectively. There's also some unavoidable workplace drama that's starting to make me grumble about a couple of coworkers when they're together. So that made my early morning difficult, knowing that there was a TON of stuff that was affecting me more than a typical Monday morning. Of course, a few hours have passed since I started writing, and I have gotten through what is usually the most traffic-heavy time of the day without incident. I am tuning out the Pick-A-Little going on behind me since it is not about me and I don't really care that damned much, and I can't do much of anything to stop it if it ever does become about me except continuing to treat them the way I would like to be treated by them. For the rest of the day, I am going to get through the difficult stuff as it comes up, and most importantly, not dwell on when that could be, or obsess after it's happened to make myself worry if I could have done anything differently or better. I am comfortable trying to make my time here more pleasant with less anxiety, and I am going to make big efforts to release the old and "bad" behavior I used to use in previous jobs. Force of will, dammit!
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