Roller Coaster! Of Emotions! (Say What?)

Haven't written in a while, and I know exactly why: the new software we use at work threw us a low and dirty curveball that we then took a big swing at, and for the last two weeks, we've been experiencing a certain amount of chaos while trying to get the bookkeeping caught up to date for all of our thousands of clients. And this was within the first month of working here! Fortunately, everyone is very reassuring when they say that this chaos is not the norm and that we're getting much more of this system worked out as we go.

Today has taken me all over the place with emotions because, while it is Friday and therefore the slowest day of our week at work, I've had some strange conversations with some strange (and rude) customers. This is at the end of a very long week of snippy people on the phone who seem to think that they are the only customer for any business in the world, and that we are deliberately set on sticking it to them. So having a few more hours of mean people passive aggressively taking out all of their frustrations on someone who is attempting to help them (and the seven other people waiting on hold) was not something I was expecting for the end of my week. I'm still a bit tired, even though I've been adjusting fairly well to having to get up around 6am again, but today, I've been yawning a lot and my throat and voice feel ragged from so much talking, or rather, from so much talking and not being heard. With the chunks of time where no one is calling in and I have a few moments to relax, I remind myself to stay present and mindful of what's happening within me and around me: I am doing the best I can, and my best includes admitting when I do not know something or fixing a mistake I have made; the people on the phone are not people I have to deal with in any other capacity in any other place in my life, so their opinions do not matter to me; my coworkers are helping me through the times when I don't feel like I know what I'm doing, and they are all struggling with the craziness here as well; it is the end of the work week and I got paid, so I can enjoy myself tonight and this weekend; the remainder of the day should be much more predictable, and that includes time to read or write more; I'm getting back into some old stuff for working out and doing some IM fasting, which will mean a few days of discomfort while I adjust; so all in all, a lot happening in my brain.

Speaking of IM fasting...

One of those oddly profound thoughts bubbled up last night while in the shower. Fasting is about not putting anything in while your system still works on processing what it already has stored. It's the dietary equivalent of holding your breath... for 16 hours. That made me think of how much of my breathing is actually not breathing, but holding a vacuum. I tend to take very deep breaths in and exhale slowly, so when I get to the end of my exhale, I hold that for a few moments before I breathe in again. It's part of a singing exercise to train yourself to get as much air in as part of as silent an inhale as possible. That made me wonder how much of my breathing is actually not breathing, but holding a vacuum. And then I went through the looking glass.

Why is the concept of existing in a vacuum something most people are uncomfortable with? Seriously. Look at how much of your own day is spent putting something in or taking something out. Put this in your system to feel better. Detoxify to take out this out to feel better. This fear of vacuum is not limited to tangible things. It includes experiences or thought processes. Go on this spiritual retreat to add it to your lexicon of how to make your life perfect. Remove this toxic person from your life to be happier.

I am not saying that constantly living in the space between breaths is good and all you should ever need to do, nor am I saying that adding or subtracting things or people or experiences in your life is bad. It seems to me, though, that those moments of simply existing without wanting or needing anything are a lot less frightening than you might think they would be. It's the goal of almost every practice of meditation, to allow for space in your being, to allow for the processes that are starting or finishing to run their courses, and to give yourself a break from constantly doing doing doing. It is also, as I have found, a consistent method of combating depression symptoms, and sometimes, even the causes.

This entry took me about 3-4 hours to finish, and I only have a couple hours left for work today, and I am already fantasizing about my calm weekend, so I think for the rest of my time here, I am going to take it easy.