- I've had two dreams in two days about separating from a parent, and it's been heartbreaking both times. First, this person turned into a ghost, but could still call me and my brothers, and that was one of the only ways we could stay in contact. The second dream was this morning, and it was painful enough that while I could recall it after I woke up, it's two hours later, and I can't remember anything about it except that I made the connection (once I was awake) that this was the second time I've had this theme surface in a dream. Apparently, I scrubbed it from my mind when I was brushing my teeth.
- It's another parent's birthday today, and I could not give any less of a fuck.
- I checked the news this morning (big mistake) and the very first thing I saw was the mini crisis (for now) with the stock market, and then I figured that wasn't disturbing enough, so I should read more news. When will I ever learn. I swear, one of the only categories I can ever trust to be neutral and sometimes uplifting when I search for news is Space. We discovered this, we proved that, we are working on a new thing, we got data back from our current thing, and these people are badass.
- One of the women I work with is taking today off, and while I enjoy the other two that work in the bullpen with me, and while I have learned that they are both fine on their own, when they're together, I start to hum "Pick-A-Little, Talk-A-Little" from The Music Man. They feed off of each other's martyrdom and become very gossipy, something I abhor, and it's something that I don't notice as much if I've got the woman who is out for today on the other side of my desk. She tends to stay much more positive, even when things are crazy (as they have been for most of the month), and that helps me feel like I'm doing a good job and can get things accomplished, and not like I need to stay quiet and keep my nose clean and my head down.
- I. Am. Tired. I caught up on sleep over the weekend, but my computer, which is what I normally use for my alarm clock, is working out a bug after getting a new update, and it keeps rebooting if I put it into sleep mode, so I've been using another device for my alarm, but I keep psyching myself out in my sleep, thinking I am going to miss the alarm... which means I don't really get any rest. I woke up at least twice in the course of about 5 hours, and when that's the only amount of time you have for sleep, every minute of it is precious and essential. I desperately wanted one more hour once my alarm did go off, and was tempted to play tag with my snooze button, but in my hazy brain, I knew I would never get out of bed if I did that. A trick I have developed is to hook the anchor to my suspension trainer over my bathroom door so that first thing, before I can do anything else in the morning, I have to use it. I knocked out one quick round of Tabata for my back and shoulders, which did help me feel more alert, and went about with my regular routine. I'll probably do a longer workout when I get home and really try to tire myself out, and I'll be amazed if I make it to 11:00pm tonight.
Now that it's after 10:30 and I've identified what's causing some blech in my head, I feel a little bit better. I think I might spend some of my downtime on a writing project today; I had a big stumble last week when I asked for my birthday off from work and couldn't get the day because it is going to be too busy and that date was already denied when someone else asked for it. It triggered the wave of emotions I have in me involving this birthday, and I felt it all come rushing out at the end of that day, and I started some of what I refer to as "emotional cutting", wallowing in all the things that are crap in my life. The project I had in mind for today was to make a detailed account of what I love about my life, and the things or features or traits about me that are exclusively mine or have defined me in the best way for almost 30 years. It's going to be a rather big undertaking, and it's going to require some discipline, so it may be something that takes more like the rest of the week, but if I can devote some sincerity to it, I feel like it might really pay off.
Gotta stay on the phones now. It's already a busy day.
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