Work has been a full week of eight hour insanity per day. After the big event a couple weekends ago, things settled down some, but this week was the end of the billing cycle, and that meant a lot of hustle trying to get all our information right before we asked people for money. This led to some small amount of chaos, and it didn't help that we were short-staffed for the first three days of the week, so there was a lot of work for fewer people to do. This is probably the first time in a while that I've had both the time and the desire to write out some of the crap that's also been circulating in my brain, giving this week an extra personal level of blech.
Lately, I've been recognizing beliefs and learned behaviors that are tied to old events and people, things that are not only bad for me, but flat out wrong. It's a big part of this new phase of treatment that my therapist and I are entering, and it's something I've been working towards and excited about getting to for a while now. That does mean, however, that we're stirring the pot, and the things that have been happily living on the sides are now entering the rest of the soup, and now... I have to deal with them. I'm noticing things I haven't really paid attention to for a long time, and they'll creep up randomly throughout the day, usually when I'm already stressed by work, sometimes when I'm relaxed and not really thinking about or doing anything. That's to be expected, sure, and it's a great opportunity to use these crisis management techniques (like the container and the safe place imagery and a few others), but it's also a bit wearing to feel like I have to be devoting some extra focus to my state of mind all the time, lest these stupid blips pop up and smack me into a bad place when my guard is down.
The biggest one, the one that is affecting me more than almost any other right now, is the belief that I have to do everything myself. That I am the only person that impacts the course of my life in any way. That if I fail, it is entirely my fault, and it is in no way a reflection of the actions (or lack thereof) of the people around me. That I should be helping others too, because I am inherently a selfish and bad person, and am only redeemable if other people say so. And it's exhausting, having to take point on all things. It would be one thing if I actually had that superpower of omniscience and would then be slightly more justified for believing I was responsible, not only for my well-being, but the well-being of others, but (as I have to keep reminding myself), I am not that influential. And that doesn't always help. What should be a reassuring statement gets twisted into something brutal and damaging: I have no power. I can't do anything, for me or for others, and I should really stop trying 'cause now it's getting a bit embarrassing. I am small, and weak, and insignificant, and may as well be standing under Niagara Falls and asking for it to go up for all the impact I have. It's amazing that one thing, the amount of power I have, can be so dramatically out of balance, and influence so much of who I am.
Alright. Work is almost over, and I really need to get some things done before I head home, so this'll be it for today. Thank god I have a therapy session on Saturday-- it is much needed.
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